THE SIMPLE LIFE

ive always had this vision of me living the life of a simple fisherman - rising before dawn breaks to fish for the whole day's meals, mending my fishnets during idle times, and solely relying on candlelight at night.

everytime i would tell this vision of myself to my friends i always end up being mocked. nobody would take me seriously. i always tell them that i strongly believe that in my past life i was a fisherman. all i get are chuckles and laughter. i tell them i am dead serious.

my friends have always known me as a go getter, impulsive, outgoing, and modern type of guy. i admit i am but im also just a simple, humble, content, and uncomplicated kind of person. my friends would always throw me snide comments like i will never even last a day living a simple life or id be the most trendy fisherman in the barrios. why would no one believe me?

honestly, i can live without all the complexities of life. i actually don't mind at all. all my friends see are the gadgets i have, the clothes that i wear, my bank accounts (soon to be non existent), my travels here and there, and other superficial shit. i am definitely more than all that.

yesterday, my friends were talking about the fishball vendor they talked to. they were saying that the fishball vendor earns around P500 nett daily. i said that makes P15K a month and that's not bad just for selling fishballs. i said that maybe i should try selling fishballs for the meantime since i am unemployed. i wholeheartedly meant it when i said it. immediately they answered that i will not earn the same because i would have to pay my hired vendor. i told them i dont intend to hire anyone, i intend to do it myself. as usual, i got chuckles, laughter, and comments like if ill be accepting credit cards as mode of payment with minimum of P5 per transaction. this cracked my friends big time, laughing their asses out thinking the whole idea was a joke. i wasn't at all joking.

at a year ender party i went to last december, some high school friends were saying that they were dreading the first workday of 2010. they said that if given the chance, they'd rather choose to be unemployed but cannot afford to do so income wise. they then asked me how i am able to manage being unemployed yet still be able to live a comfy life. i told them i rely on my savings. they asked if my savings were from my parents. i answered hell no. they then asked me where i got the money and when i told them they all got dumbfounded. i told them, when i was in the states i worked as a nanny to three kids and would sometimes work as a carpenter when needed. they laughed thinking i was making a joke. i told them i was dead serious. they said they were in disbelief that i, catch gaviola, would choose to work as a nanny and a carpenter. it was i that gave them a laugh instead.

to my dear friends, despite all the nice crap i wear and the extravagant lifestyle i have, i am just an average joe wanting simple joys. i may have certain odd preferences but that doesn't mean i am superficial. i am just as fucked up as anybody else. hahahaha.

TOKYO

im thinking of going to tokyo.

i just need a visa first.

ENOUGH

i've been in hiatus for the past few days (im sick as hell). in doing so, i was made to ponder about things in life. as i was staring blankly at the ceiling, it made me think how much longer can i actually go on with being unemployed and solely depending on my savings.

reality wise, my savings is drastically depleting and i don't think it can suffice my over extragavant spending habits anymore. i will admit, i am a huge spender. i've always denied this fact to my mom and friends everytime they would tell me that i spend a lot. sometimes, i would get into arguments with my mom because she wouldn't agree on my spending habits. the funny thing is, i only realized this when i think it's a bit too late. as the saying goes, you will only see the worth of something once it's gone. you sure do. in my case - savings.

as much as i'd want to stop being impulsive, i just cant. i always tend to rationalize. it sucks. i've bought so many things that are now just covered with dust. i have clothes that i never got to use, shoes that ive used once, hats that were bought for the sake of just buying them, gadgets that make me think now why i even bothered buying them in the first place, and so much more. the thing with me is, if i see something i like or i think i need, i buy it. im getting sick of this habit. my friends even have this habit of setting a timeline for every new thing i acquire - whether it be a guitar, a keyboard, a skateboard,, a new cellphone, a psp, a camera, etc. they would usually give it two weeks before i get tired of it. most of the time, they are right.

so that you have an idea on how much i actually spend, my usual monthly credit card bill is around 15k  -  to 20k and my cash spending varies from 15k to as much as 50k a month. for someone unemployed, this is not tolerable.

i badly need intervention!!!!!!! is there a rehab center for overspending?!?!?

(come to think of it, this habit will soon be over since there is nothing to spend anymore. i shall glady embrace poverty with open arms! =/)

PLASTIC CARDS WITH MAGNETIC STRIPS AT THE BACK

i went on a field trip today. lol. i had to accompany my 7 year old niece to her school fieldtrip to subic. it was okay. i had better field trips when i was in elementary and highshool though. anyway, the highlight of the field trip for me was the duty free stop over in the end. argghhhsss...

i promised my self that i will cut down on my expenses (due to overspending on camera gear!). the thing with me is, i am very impulsive and i tend to rationalize a lot. i thought i came prepared with this one. i thought wrong.

i was checking the trip's itenary the night before and i saw the words "duty free stop" at the very end of the list. i thought to myself this was not good. quiksilver, billabong, zooyork, volcom, hurley, and ripcurl started to whirl around my head. because of that, i decided that i will only bring 2k cash on this trip and i will be assertive. i thought if i didnt bring cash then i will not buy anything. as if...

so the day went on pretty well only until the last stop which i dreaded most. the chartered bus came to a halt in front of the duty free establishment and there they were as if taunting me - quiksilver, billabong, zooyork, volcom, hurley and ripcurl on the display window. oh fuck! fuck, fuck, fuck!

people started alighting from the bus, so i and my niece went down as well. since i still have a lot left from the 2k i brought with me, i thought why not just spend it on whatever it could buy. so we went inside and i started checking things out. i could still buy one hurley shorts with the money i have with me. so i got my size and went straight to the cashier. as the cashier ringed the merchandise, the price was discounted to about 60% off. i asked if it was on sale and she said most of the men's apparel were on sale. geesh!!!!!!! this is not good. i told the cashier to hold my item for the meantime as i check some more stuff. she said okay.

i hurriedly went back to the men's apparel section, dragging my niece with me, and looked for a sales clerk. i found one and asked her what items in the men's apparel section were on sale and she said basically everything. i was suddenly in hypermode. i thought to myself, this is too good a deal to miss. so, i started to grab  mr. quiksilver, a few of his billabong cousins, his uncle mr.hurley and his friend mr. zooyork. hahahaha. obviously, the little cash i have with me is not enough to purchase all these. it's time to pull out those plastic cards with magnetic strips at the back. hahaha. again, i told myself, THIS IS TOO GOOD A DEAL TO MISS! (insert rationalization here)

since the 2k rule has been thrown out of the window, i asked my niece if she wanted anything. she said she'd look around first. after a few minutes of looking around, she got hold of a doll with a head-body disproportion and another with blond hair with a very small waistline. what's up with little girls and thier fascination with dolls?

so there goes my 2k assertion and expense cutting! i may have gone way beyond 2k but with a 60% off deal, it's definitely worth it! (insert rationalization here)

note:

next time i'll really be assertive. i mean it this time. i'll bring just enough cash and leave my credit cards at home. but what if there's an emergency? (insert rationalization here)

hahahaha. i am hopeless!

SAVINGS

photography as a hobby is very expensive. for someone who is unemployed by choice like me, it's starting to be a burden. grin!

background:

eversince i graduated college in 2007, i only got to work for a month. i realized working was not for me. hahaha. schedules, organizational structures, and monotonous day routines were things that drove me insane and made me gain weight. so what i did, i quit.

since i choose not to have a job, i will have to solely rely on my ever precious savings. i got by with this. my savings were enough to have me travelling to places i wanted to go and come back to and it was enough for my everyday chillax life.

now, eversince i started photography, i feel my savings abruptly draining. purchases with regards to photography never seem to stop. i started with the camera body and one lens. then i had to buy a bag for it. i then bought a filter for the lens. then i had to buy a lens hood for the lens. a few days after, i decided to buy a new lens. since i bought a new lens, i had to buy a new filter for it and since i bought a new lens, i had to buy a bigger bag to accomodate my camera and my two lenses. i was wise with this one, i bought a big camera bag this time that could accomodate a lot of stuff anticipating that i will be buying more lenses and accesories soon.

just recently, i bought a photography book by scott kelby. from i what i learned, i need to have a good and sturdy tripod, polarizing filters for the lens, and a remote switch. okay, being the freak that i am, i rushed to the store and got myself a good and sturdy tripod, two polarizing filters for both my lenses, and a remote switch. i also bought a flash diffuser, a lenspen, a rocket blower, and some more media cards. i am starting to feel poor.

comparing my savings before and after i started photography, it went plunging to 1/3 the amount. arghhhsss!!!! here's the thing, i may have good gear to take photos but i aint got the dough to travel anymore to take good photos. the irony of it. fuck it.

so here i am now, laying on my bed sulking. i am pondering if i should get a job soon. if i do, am i ready to set aside my i-have-time-on-the-palm-of-my-hand life? so much for being a spontaneous free spirit! i'd rather choose to be unemployed yet happy than employed yet miserable! realitywise though, having to work is inevitable. money doesn't grow on trees. i have more or less six months to decide. hahaha.. i believe i could still stretch what remains of my savings to that extent provided that i do not buy a canon EF 70-200mm f/4 L IS USM lens anytime soon. hahahaha.

PEOPLE WATCHING

one thing i enjoy doing is people watching. i like looking at people. i just love to observe and whirl with the thoughts that would run through my mind.

airports are my mecca for people watching. during my travels, i actually dont mind checking in way ahead of time so just i could people watch. i would just sit on one spot and watch people go by. i find it very enriching. i would ponder what country they are from or where they are headed next or perhaps why they are dressed a certain way or what their purpose for travel is.

*sitting in one corner

*people watching

by people watching i see all sorts of differences in culture - how liberal some people are and how conservative some people might get. one instance, as i was sitting on the floor in an airport in thailand, a group of caucausian girls boldly strip down in their undies, put on deodorant, and put on new set of clothes. they didn't seem to mind everybody else around them (good thing they didn't. lol). i so wanted to snap a photo but that would be just darn inappropriate. they seem to be in haste, probably late for check in. on the other hand, while i was lined up in border control, i saw a group of islam women (i pressumed) all covered in layers of black cloth from head to toe. if i am not mistaken, islam women are forbidden to show any skin. then i wondered how the border control officers would handle such a case. the border control officers are supposed to check identities and see if they match the photo in passports. i was very eager to find out but it was i next in queue so i never got in finding out how. crap.

sometimes i also wonder how language barriers are bridged. there was this one time when i saw a korean woman, probably my age, who seemed pretty lost in the airport. being the helpful person that i am (ehem), i approached her and asked her what seemed to be the problem. she just looked at me and said a phrase in korean that ended with the word "english." i got it, she doesn't speak english. no wonder she was having a hard time. all the signage in the airport are written either in english or in the country's native language. then she bowed down and left.

people watching is fun. just make sure you dont cross the line from just observing to being just rude.

LAST SATURDAY

last saturday, i was badly craving for alcohol. i badly wanted to get wasted just for the sake of being wasted. so i did.

last saturday, the bad ass typhoon ondoy hit the country. some of my friends were greatly affected - one lost a car and a home, one lost a grandmother and an aunt, and some are still unreachable so i aint got any idea about. a cousin got stranded somewhere in banawe ave and was forced to take refuge in a bus for the night.

last saturday, we rushed a friend to the hospital. she suddenly had a seizure. the physicians are yet to find out the cause. no, she wasn't drinking alcohol with us. while i and some friends were drowning ourselves with beer, she was having a home serviced pedicure. i swear, i felt all intoxication washed out from me when the incident happened.

last saturday, i bacame number one in the facebook game "plock". effin 2M++ score. hahaha. a friend came so close but ain't enough.

last saturday, i ate one whole footlong sandwich and salt and vinegar flavored veggie chicharon. a feat for me. hahaha.

how was your saturday?

THE DRINK AND THE DRUNK

im in the mood of being wasted this saturday night (smirk!). ive realized recently that my tolerance for alchohol has increased drastically. good for me.

i was just sorting out photos in my hard drive when i realized that i have tons of photos either holding a bottle of beer or being totally wasted in many different occasions. hahaha. i never actually thought that id come to such point. i was never really into drinking (or so i make myself believe). i dont like the taste of beer and yet looking thru the photos it seems otherwise.

as i browse thru each photo one by one, i recall each particular event. i try to remember how much alcohol i actually ingested and if my memory serves me right, it seems a hefty LOT. hahaha.

i guess gone are the days of being alcoholically demure and cheers to morning after hang-overs and dry mouth.

RETRIBUTION

light has gone astray and the bitter cold has set in. this is it! the day has finally come.

i was in refuge for such a long time and now time has come to finally claim what was long overdue. i've been holding on to every bit of light that i would see spark and now all seemed to be exasperated. as i look around mere shadows are taking shapes that are unknown to me. i cannot deny this anymore. this must be faced.

i feel blinded though. this is something i knew that was bound to happen but never seemed to be at arm's reach. darkness has crept in every direction. as i try to feel everything around me, with eyes fixed into nothingness, i shiver. the stillness i sense now will soon betray me.

am i ready? regardless, i have no choice but to succumb, to surrender. choice is not an option anymore. the enevitable is invariably occuring before me. "why prolong the agony?" i hear myself say.

i open my arms wide and shut my eyes and i let the vast blackness engulf me. i feel every part of me being torn into pieces yet i feel no pain. this is something i did not expect. "this is suppose to hurt!" i hear myself say, once more. then, in just a fraction of time, it was all over.

as i lay broken, catching my every breath, i hear a distant sound. i cannot make out the sound i am hearing yet it feels soothing. it is calming. in this sound i shall take refuge once again. i shall linger, i shall rest.

HAPPY 25th

hahaha. i was looking thru pictures in my hard drive when i came across to this. this was a picture taken during my 25th birthday last march. i was in the states back then. i just can't help but laugh. you gettin' the point why?!? go figure...

BYGONES

i just got a text message saying that an old friend's grandmother died. i was being asked if i wanted to attend the wake. i am unsure.

about a year and a half ago, this old friend and i had a falling apart. it was over differences brought about by new relations in her part. tension slowly built up. it started with snide comments, some small outbursts every now and then, some rants here, some there until finally one day consummation kicked in and rage was just unleashed. ive known this person for a long time. a long time i dare say. thinking about it now, it is kind of funny how easily i brushed off the friendship. i remember not even having second thoughts about it despite all the pleas common friends were throwing in at me.

looking back, i and this old friend used to be a tandem. we were together everywhere. from roadtrips, to parties, to just hanging out - hell, we were together. we were tight. i was always her resort as she was mine. it was actually automatic, wherever she's seen, i am seen as well. until now, people never really got over that sense. whenever i grace gatherings they tend to question my missing half. i just give them a shrug and a smirk. they resort. they get the idea i pressume.

i will admit, i was jealous. i was suddenly put aside as her new relation stepped in. dont get me wrong - this is not jealousy romantic wise. point clear. i was now a background for a new foreman has stepped in. i was now a second resort. that was a struggle. i was never used to this set up. a confrontation and a few tongue lashings put a dot on the story line.

as time took its course, working its thing as always, i got used to the idea. hence, my current disposition. while typing this i am doing some pondering asking myself if i am okay. i guess i am. i actually am. i am now considering a go show. being civil about the whole thing is not such a gruelling task. it wouldn't require bending a limb. haha. i wonder what will transpire from then on?

THOUGHT: 25 -ish

a friend once wrote in her blog that life ends at 25. figuratively, it sure does. i am 25 now and i must say that quarter life crisis sure did not miss its turn on me. i sure did feel the struggles, the doubts, the questions, the issues and all sorts of the like. i had to re-evaluate some of the things i strongly believe in and re-assess some of my principles. so, what have i realized in my 25 years of existence?

1) contrary to the saying that a you don't always get what you want, i must say that it is possible to always get what you want in the condition that it's within the limits of your control. if you want something and it is within your control, you can get it as long as you work hard for it - giving it your all.

2) that regardless of whatever people say or dictate, it is always your decision that matters. at the end of the day, it is you who is going to take responsibility for your actions. it is just a matter of having the guts to face the consequences of things you do - either good or bad.

3) that the more you mingle with people, the more you become wiser. why? because by doing so you see all sorts of characters and you learn to deal with each type. you learn to act accordingly with tact and respect and you learn to just be appropriate.

4) that you dont seek happiness from the company of others but from yourself. you must learn to derive happiness from within yourself because people come and go. if the people you get happiness from go, they take away your happiness with them leaving you bitter and miserable.

5) that you don't need to be religious to be faithful spiritually. it is a matter of how strong your faith is to your spiritual belief and not how often you go to your spiritual congregation. faith is unmeasurable. it is something that is personal and not dictated. faith is something that is not to be proven. faith is a personal relationship with whoever or whatever you choose to associate it with.

6) adding insult to injury creates chaos. there is no sense in justifying a mistake with another mistake. when a mistake is made, deal with it and leave it at that. just learn from it and move on. don't rationalize and make excuses. just suck it in. in the first place, think first before making a move. learn to project the consequences and evaluate if you can stand up to it.

7) you must never assume. people tend to assume things and make the mistake of believing their own assumptions. an assumption is still just an assumption. don't dwell on it. if it will remain unknown to you, don't kill yourself trying to make it known by assuming. an assumption is and will remain an assumption.

8 ) never dwell on anything for a long time. everything is transitory. everything changes. keep that in mind.

9) be yourself. life is too short to be somebody else. be comfortable. please yourself first before you please others. love yourself first before you love others. see yourself according to your own perspective and not another's.

10) maximize your potentials. all human is infinitely perfectible. you can do anything within human limits as long as you strive hard. you can learn anything. you are capable of anything. have the confidence and just believe in yourself.

11) eliminate pride from your system. be responsible for the things you do. learn to know yor grounds and own up to it. there is no sense in denying to yourself that you made a bad deed. you can never lie to yourself. you can never fool yourself so stop telling yourself otherwise.

12) never regret anything. regretting is pointless because time moves forward. you can never turn it back. take your experiences as lessons. if something you did turned out bad, learn from it. at least now you know. don't commit it again. you're stupid if you do.

REPOST: FOLLOW

i’m tired chasing the wind…

im done catching the breeze…

the end is near…

i feel it, i see it…

just a little more time…

it will be over…

as my eyes shut…

i will sleep…

forever.

REPOST: CAUSE

the island prince is losing himself.
he does not know who he is anymore.
as each day passes by, a part of him is taken and as much as he tries to hold on to what he has left, it seems as if judgment was long passed.
he cries.
he battles.
he is to young to be in such disposition.
life is not supposed to be this hard.
all his ideals are now gone.
too bad for him.
his ideals were the only glory he had.
his ideals made him go on and strive harder.
too bad for him i say again.

now the dethroned island prince is walking blindly into nothingness.
he is going to surrender.
he is going to succumb into the unending pit of darkness.
he will not resist.
he will not resist i say again.
the battle is over - so are the days of the island prince.

so now i bid farewell to you, island prince.

REPOST: A RECOLLECTION

it’s kinda funny how everytime when i feel most tired and just want to get a good night’s sleep do i always end up most roused. i’m starting to get this habit of pondering every bedtime and it kinda gives me a sense of pleasure and also a bit of frustarion. tonight, as i desperately try to knock myself to sleep, things from the past just keeps on hurling and hurling into my mind. you see, i just stayed the whole day on bed, getting off once in a while to do usual routines of life, reading a book a friend lent me. i finished at about 9 pm and thinking i could actually manage to read a new one, i frantically searched into my pile of books and got hold of another. i got to chapter 5 of this new book and felt sleepy so i decided to call it a night. i put down the book and got hold of my ipod and started listening to what i like to call my drift music (actually, it’s a digital recording of the ocean waves that run for about 2 hours). as i lay on my bed my thoughts have started to take up on me. i started to think about how life as a child for me was so simple and so innocent. i remember how shallow i was back then and yet i was satisfied. i remember how i used to climb on our roof with a mat clutched in my hand and spreading it just under the shade of a santol tree that covers part of our roof. i remember just laying there gazing up the sky and feeling happy. i also remember how i would climb our wall and actually tiptoe my way to it’s other end til i reach the part where my childhood sweetheart’s window is actually just overlooking upon me and just scream her name and she would actually peep from the window and we would talk. infact, there was this onetime that i actually fell on the otherside landing on their garden drainage. that sucked. i actually had to soap my self to death just to rid off the smell. as a kid, we used to have a treehouse. i remember inviting friends over there and we would imagine all sorts of things. happy memories were made there. i miss it. the games we played then were actually very physical, unlike now that the gameboy or psp has taken over. i remember running all over the streets in our neighborhood playing tag and hide and seek.those were actually the days. at sundown, i remember my mom, sometimes my dad, would call me and stop me from playing for supper. how me and my friends would bid each other goodbye and how we wished the day would never end. we would always look forward to the next day. i really had a nice childhood. thinking about it now actually makes me want to go back to that time. i guess all i can do now is just play it over and over in my mind like a stupid broken tape deck. i just love how it makes me smirk and giggle a little as funny memories hit my mind.

REPOST: REALITY CHECK

no matter how hard we try or make ourselves believe, we sure can’t control everything…..

lesson:

have courage to change what we can and just have the wisdom to accept what we can’t. it fucking sucks but learn to just love it.

just thought i’d share.

REPOST: LIFE BECOMES DEATH

life ceases unpredictably… spend each day as if it was your last for you’ll never know when it will end. enjoy each moment and dont bother seeding grudges - it’s pointless and a waste of time. ranting and squirming only end to a more chaotic disposition.

we’ll miss you tita kris…

REPOST: FUCK MAN, IM CHEESY

no matter how much i try to deny it, im still a sucker for romance flicks! bugger! it kills me just thinkin’ about it… to overcome denial is to welcome acceptance! fine, all guards down. i always thought of myself as the easy-go-lucky type… just chillin around with no worries and hook-ups but you know what, reality check, i do want some complicated love story of my own (fuck man, "love" story?!?) i’ve done some silly shit with my previous hook-ups and im telling you it was damn hell shitty. lol. never the serious type. bloody. i guess i also do want to feel the elated high feeling of "come take me away to where the clouds are" crap…you know, just being irrationally emotional.. the feeling like when your heart governs thinking… the type when your heart races and you go start your day with a smile, whistling all care free while going to where you’re going kinda stuff. cheesy i know, right? i guess im a hopeless romantc after all?!??!

p.s.

right on aisa, right on…. i’ve been hitting your head every time we talk about this.. guess you’d be hittin my head now… or maybe let’s just fly away together… guess you were freakin’ right after all… *winks*

REPOST: EHEADS NOSTALGIA

i miss the eheads… after almost 7 years, i just realized i like their music…

"maselang bahaghari, sa aking isipan

wag kang mabahala, di kita malilimutan

paglipas ng ulan, mapapangiti ang araw

wag sanang mawala ang maselang bahaghari"

- eraserheads

REPOST: STEP OUT OF THE CIRCLE

"a cirle is never ending so step out of it!" - catch

im idle. im stagnated. im in a cycle. if i dont do anything about it, hell, i’ll rust! never be stuck in one phase of your life. a person must continuously grow and learn. age is not a variable. we must age with wisdom. all human is infinitely perfectible. let’s all aim for perfection and greater things. i know we’ll never do but hey, at least we’re reaching and by that we become better. do not mind mistakes for they are lessons that enrich our lives - just dont make the same mistake twice coz’ if you do, you’re stupid! learn once and be better each time. soon, you’ll become invincible.