FUCK 2010

as much as id want to celebrate the new year, i just cant seem to find enough reasons to do so. i know that the coming of a new year is a fresh way to start anew but i just feel same old same old.

i usually plan a lot everytime a new year starts - new agendas, new travel plans, new goals, new things to buy, etc. as the new year approached, i just felt apathetic. more like passive and indifferent. it seemed that there is just nothing to look forward to this coming year.

i dont usually drink when i go to year-ender parties but this time was different. i went to every party i got invited to and got totally wasted. i must say i enjoy the feeling of being drunk. this was my way of bidding farewell to a great 2009 maybe. it's like breaking off with a girlfriend and then turning to alcohol for self satisfaction. im so headed for a big downfall.

could it be that im just getting older that my zest for life is starting to wane? or, could it be because im starting to stagnate once again? honestly, i am just bored. bored to the extent that i am desperately in need of something to shake things up a little. i need to be involved into something dangerous or illegal. hahaha. come to think of it, maybe i should start exploring once again. let the rebel in me get out of his cage once more. tsk tsk tsk. this is not good.

ac*d, h*shish, e*stacy, we*d, c*ke, hero*n = heaven

hahahah =)

ENOUGH

i've been in hiatus for the past few days (im sick as hell). in doing so, i was made to ponder about things in life. as i was staring blankly at the ceiling, it made me think how much longer can i actually go on with being unemployed and solely depending on my savings.

reality wise, my savings is drastically depleting and i don't think it can suffice my over extragavant spending habits anymore. i will admit, i am a huge spender. i've always denied this fact to my mom and friends everytime they would tell me that i spend a lot. sometimes, i would get into arguments with my mom because she wouldn't agree on my spending habits. the funny thing is, i only realized this when i think it's a bit too late. as the saying goes, you will only see the worth of something once it's gone. you sure do. in my case - savings.

as much as i'd want to stop being impulsive, i just cant. i always tend to rationalize. it sucks. i've bought so many things that are now just covered with dust. i have clothes that i never got to use, shoes that ive used once, hats that were bought for the sake of just buying them, gadgets that make me think now why i even bothered buying them in the first place, and so much more. the thing with me is, if i see something i like or i think i need, i buy it. im getting sick of this habit. my friends even have this habit of setting a timeline for every new thing i acquire - whether it be a guitar, a keyboard, a skateboard,, a new cellphone, a psp, a camera, etc. they would usually give it two weeks before i get tired of it. most of the time, they are right.

so that you have an idea on how much i actually spend, my usual monthly credit card bill is around 15k  -  to 20k and my cash spending varies from 15k to as much as 50k a month. for someone unemployed, this is not tolerable.

i badly need intervention!!!!!!! is there a rehab center for overspending?!?!?

(come to think of it, this habit will soon be over since there is nothing to spend anymore. i shall glady embrace poverty with open arms! =/)

VOIP

i was busy the whole day trying to configure the settings for my brastel flip voice over the internet protocol phone. an aunt sent me this to cut on phone bills. what kills me about it is this: the thing came with instruction manuals and shit on how to set it up - it has certain instructions for different internet connection set-ups i.e. internet connection - splitter - modem - voip, internet connection - splitter - modem - router - voip, etc. the only set up that seems not to be included in the manual is if used with a wireless router. i was actually able to use the brastel flip if i disconnect the wireless router from the set up. i managed to make outgoing calls and received incoming ones. once i connect it to the wireless router, i cant make outgoing calls anymore. i cannot afford to disconnect the wireless router since our household uses two laptops and one desktop all of which connect to the internet wirelessly. i called brastel's customer support in japan and told them my problem but they seem not to have a solution for it. what they suggested was that i use the brastel flip without connecting it with the wireless router. that sucks.

anyway, after spending almost seven hours trying to fix it, i bailed. funny because i never bail on anything until i get it done. this was an exception because i see it hopeless. hahahaha. maybe one day if i get bored i'll give it a go once more.

SAVINGS

photography as a hobby is very expensive. for someone who is unemployed by choice like me, it's starting to be a burden. grin!

background:

eversince i graduated college in 2007, i only got to work for a month. i realized working was not for me. hahaha. schedules, organizational structures, and monotonous day routines were things that drove me insane and made me gain weight. so what i did, i quit.

since i choose not to have a job, i will have to solely rely on my ever precious savings. i got by with this. my savings were enough to have me travelling to places i wanted to go and come back to and it was enough for my everyday chillax life.

now, eversince i started photography, i feel my savings abruptly draining. purchases with regards to photography never seem to stop. i started with the camera body and one lens. then i had to buy a bag for it. i then bought a filter for the lens. then i had to buy a lens hood for the lens. a few days after, i decided to buy a new lens. since i bought a new lens, i had to buy a new filter for it and since i bought a new lens, i had to buy a bigger bag to accomodate my camera and my two lenses. i was wise with this one, i bought a big camera bag this time that could accomodate a lot of stuff anticipating that i will be buying more lenses and accesories soon.

just recently, i bought a photography book by scott kelby. from i what i learned, i need to have a good and sturdy tripod, polarizing filters for the lens, and a remote switch. okay, being the freak that i am, i rushed to the store and got myself a good and sturdy tripod, two polarizing filters for both my lenses, and a remote switch. i also bought a flash diffuser, a lenspen, a rocket blower, and some more media cards. i am starting to feel poor.

comparing my savings before and after i started photography, it went plunging to 1/3 the amount. arghhhsss!!!! here's the thing, i may have good gear to take photos but i aint got the dough to travel anymore to take good photos. the irony of it. fuck it.

so here i am now, laying on my bed sulking. i am pondering if i should get a job soon. if i do, am i ready to set aside my i-have-time-on-the-palm-of-my-hand life? so much for being a spontaneous free spirit! i'd rather choose to be unemployed yet happy than employed yet miserable! realitywise though, having to work is inevitable. money doesn't grow on trees. i have more or less six months to decide. hahaha.. i believe i could still stretch what remains of my savings to that extent provided that i do not buy a canon EF 70-200mm f/4 L IS USM lens anytime soon. hahahaha.

TEQUILA = CHAOS

last night, as always, i was over at a friend's house yet last night was a different night from any other night.

the night started as routine. as usual, me and my friends were deciding what we'd like to eat. we decided to have cake so we drove to contis in greenhills to get some. we had our cakes to go. when we got back over at my friend's house, my bestfriend's wife was there, waiting. whilst eating our cakes, my bestfriend's wife was insisting that we drink alcohol. she was badly craving for it. we gave in. we were wanting beer but my bestfriend's wife wanted hard liquor. she wanted that we drink tequila. oh crap! this is shit waiting to happen, i thought to myself. we gave her what she wanted.

the drinking session was pretty okay for the first few hours but when the alcohol kicked in, especially for my bestfriend's wife, things kinda got out of hand. she started to breakdown and started to talk. she said, for the past few weeks she's been having difficulty dealing with my bestfriend. they would fight frequently over so many things and never seem to resolve any of it. our female friends were trying to comfort her as she cried her feelings out. i asked her where my bestfriend's at now. she said he went driving around the neighborhood with one of our friends. a few minutes later, they arrived. as they went in, my bestfriend saw his wife crying. this kinda pissed him off so he went out again. i followed him. i have very good faith in my bestfriend. heck, i've known him all my life so im pretty keen in hearing his side of the story. i asked him what the fuck is wrong. he told me to just forget it. he didn't want to involve any of us with his marital problems. i said what the fuck. i told him that it would be very unfair to him if he didn't speak out. he insisted that i just forget about it. then i told him this;

"you know what, problema kasi sayo hindi ka vocal eh. no wonder walang na reresolve sa inyong dalawa. nag papatong patong lang issues nyong mag asawa kasi kahit isa walang resolution. nag iipon lang kayo ng problema!"

then he spoke. he said i was right about him not being vocal. then he started to vent out. he started to cry as well. this was the first time that i've seen him so vulnerable. misery was etched all over his face. he told me his side of the story. we were talking for merely twenty minutes when her wife passed by us. i asked her where she was going. she said she was going home. i followed her home.

when we got there, she went straight to their bedroom. i set modesty aside and followed her there. she started putting clothes in a bag. i asked her to sit down for a minute so we could talk. she said she doesn't want to talk anymore. she's too overwhelmed. she just continued packing her things. a female friend arrived a few minutes later. she asked my bestfriend's wife where she's planning to go. it was around 3 in the morning that time. my bestfriend's wife answered that she just wants to disconnect for some time. she wouldn't tell us where she's planning to go. we were begging her to tell us but she just wouldn't tell. i was starting to get pissed so i opted to just go out and back to my friend's house.

when i got back to my friend's house, my bestfriend was already inside talking to our other friends. he was telling his side of the story. he seemed a bit okay now. a little time later, the female friend who also followed my bestfriend's wife came back. she was pissed as hell. she was furious. i asked her what happened. she said that my bestfriend's wife left already and that there was nothing she could do to make her stay. my bestfriend got alarmed. as he was about to stand up and go out, another female friend received a text message. it was from my bestfriend's wife saying that we need not to worry. she was going somewhere safe. she said she just wanted some time alone to think things over. i could just see the worry on my bestfriend's face. he said, maybe this is what they need for now. some space and time to think things over. we all agreed. we asked the female friend who received the text message from my bestfriend's wife to check up on her frequently because we doubt if my bestfriend's wife would directly speak to my bestfriend. she obliged.

after some more talk, we called it a night. as i was about to go out and head home, my bestfriend asked me and another friend if we could stay over with him at home for the night. he said he didn't feel like being alone. i felt really bad for him so i did. our friend did as well. when we got inside his place, a note was left on one of the counters. it was from his wife. it says;

"i just wish you realize how much i mean to you!"

i guess i was right, tequila was shit waiting to happen.

RUNABOUT CURSE

once again, i found myself back in the runabout.

it's been a long while since i was back in it. it sucks. life has become boring again. before i had my recent trip i was doing okay. it seemed that i was on track with my life. i had important things to do. it seemed life had purpose. i had an agenda on hand and i was effin doing fine with it.

now, i feel lost again. when i got back, it seemed i lost track of everything. i dont do my studying anymore nor do i watch the usual tv series that i follow. all of a sudden, i feel like im doing the same routine i eagerly left behind a long time ago. i feel like i lost spontaneity.

i'd wake up at around 2 pm. i'd eat lunch then sleep again. i'd wake up at around 5 pm. i'd take a bath then i'd eat dinner. at 7 pm i'd come over to my friend's house. we'd then start to think of what we'd like to eat for the night (burger, cake, starbucks, chips, whatever we agree upon). i'd stay there till around 3 am then i'd go home. i'd take a shower, floss and brush my teeth, then go to bed. the next day, the same would transpire again. for cryin out loud, i don't even have time for my dog anymore. that's something unacceptable. this has been constantly happening since saturday. i'm being stagnant again. it bothers me.

looking in the mirror, im starting not to like what i see. i'm gaining a little poundage. that's sucks. looking at my dog, i feel he's going insane. he's been chewing his bed mattress beyond recognition. the stuffing is all over the place. i haven't given him his bath this week yet as well.

i need intervention. this has to end. i need some fuckin motivation.

BYGONES

i just got a text message saying that an old friend's grandmother died. i was being asked if i wanted to attend the wake. i am unsure.

about a year and a half ago, this old friend and i had a falling apart. it was over differences brought about by new relations in her part. tension slowly built up. it started with snide comments, some small outbursts every now and then, some rants here, some there until finally one day consummation kicked in and rage was just unleashed. ive known this person for a long time. a long time i dare say. thinking about it now, it is kind of funny how easily i brushed off the friendship. i remember not even having second thoughts about it despite all the pleas common friends were throwing in at me.

looking back, i and this old friend used to be a tandem. we were together everywhere. from roadtrips, to parties, to just hanging out - hell, we were together. we were tight. i was always her resort as she was mine. it was actually automatic, wherever she's seen, i am seen as well. until now, people never really got over that sense. whenever i grace gatherings they tend to question my missing half. i just give them a shrug and a smirk. they resort. they get the idea i pressume.

i will admit, i was jealous. i was suddenly put aside as her new relation stepped in. dont get me wrong - this is not jealousy romantic wise. point clear. i was now a background for a new foreman has stepped in. i was now a second resort. that was a struggle. i was never used to this set up. a confrontation and a few tongue lashings put a dot on the story line.

as time took its course, working its thing as always, i got used to the idea. hence, my current disposition. while typing this i am doing some pondering asking myself if i am okay. i guess i am. i actually am. i am now considering a go show. being civil about the whole thing is not such a gruelling task. it wouldn't require bending a limb. haha. i wonder what will transpire from then on?

REPOST: FOLLOW

i’m tired chasing the wind…

im done catching the breeze…

the end is near…

i feel it, i see it…

just a little more time…

it will be over…

as my eyes shut…

i will sleep…

forever.

REPOST: CAUSE

the island prince is losing himself.
he does not know who he is anymore.
as each day passes by, a part of him is taken and as much as he tries to hold on to what he has left, it seems as if judgment was long passed.
he cries.
he battles.
he is to young to be in such disposition.
life is not supposed to be this hard.
all his ideals are now gone.
too bad for him.
his ideals were the only glory he had.
his ideals made him go on and strive harder.
too bad for him i say again.

now the dethroned island prince is walking blindly into nothingness.
he is going to surrender.
he is going to succumb into the unending pit of darkness.
he will not resist.
he will not resist i say again.
the battle is over - so are the days of the island prince.

so now i bid farewell to you, island prince.

REPOST: STEP OUT OF THE CIRCLE

"a cirle is never ending so step out of it!" - catch

im idle. im stagnated. im in a cycle. if i dont do anything about it, hell, i’ll rust! never be stuck in one phase of your life. a person must continuously grow and learn. age is not a variable. we must age with wisdom. all human is infinitely perfectible. let’s all aim for perfection and greater things. i know we’ll never do but hey, at least we’re reaching and by that we become better. do not mind mistakes for they are lessons that enrich our lives - just dont make the same mistake twice coz’ if you do, you’re stupid! learn once and be better each time. soon, you’ll become invincible.