LIBERATION

as i look into nothingness, i start to imagine
as i imagine, i start to feel free
once free, i soar high
up high, everything seemed clear

everything unrestrained, i am reckless
for the first time i feel liberated
no rules, no conformities
i give into myself

to linger more, i shall
for no constraints abound
freedom to do so and so
i grasp so tight at hand

i fly away into nothingness
looking back is not a choice
one look back will be my fall
for i am weak in soul

UPDATE UPDATE

it's been so loooooonnngggg since i last blogged. i was so busy as i like telling myself. anyway, i am practically done editing the pictures that piled on my hard drive. so, what's up with me lately?!?

1. boracay trip was a blast. i must admit i had fun. i went fire dancing in hawaiian barbeque... that was really neat.

2. i already passed the international licensure exam i was preparing for. that's a weight off the shoulder.

3. i got rid of some sh*tty friends... like i always say, i dont mind losing 20 friends at once, i have more than you could imagine.. hahahahaha. trifling people... lol

4. i will be conducting photo editing workshops with some friends... i and some friends will be putting up a studio very soon so for the meantime, we'll be focusing on holding out photo editing tutorials first. would you like to join?

5. i just turned 26 just 2 days back.. had a blast celebrating with good friends... booze, food, and a whole lot of conversations... hahahahahaha

6. i finally have a copy of my all time favorite film "BLOOD IN, BLOOD OUT." can't wait to watch it with the VATOS LOCOS.... i'm pretty sure i'll get the chicano high again for a month....

7. i'm currently reading on "hannibal rising"  by thomas harris. im stuck on chapter 18.. hahahaha...

8. my friends got inked last night... im such a loser for not getting one.. hahahaha....

9. i still have no plans for the coming holy week...

10. im planning on enrolling in Fashion Institue of the Philippines and take Fashion Photography classes... i'm still deciding on it....

11. i got rid of my curls, my hair is getting long. i am doning the Jesus Christ look lately.. i haven't shaved my facial hair for weeks.. hahahaha.. just in time for the holy week...

12. i joined an international photo contest. i didn't win nor got short listed... i'm bitter about it. hahahahahaha...

13. im going crazy over taco bell's churros.. hahahaha....

14. break-ups and make-ups been staling the air lately... hahahahaha... sh*t happens.

15. im still deciding if i should go back to the states this coming april =/

that's basically it for me lately... i am telling myself to blog more often.... and oh, i just started on flickr. do check out my works at http://www.flickr.com/djcatch .

THE SIMPLE LIFE

ive always had this vision of me living the life of a simple fisherman - rising before dawn breaks to fish for the whole day's meals, mending my fishnets during idle times, and solely relying on candlelight at night.

everytime i would tell this vision of myself to my friends i always end up being mocked. nobody would take me seriously. i always tell them that i strongly believe that in my past life i was a fisherman. all i get are chuckles and laughter. i tell them i am dead serious.

my friends have always known me as a go getter, impulsive, outgoing, and modern type of guy. i admit i am but im also just a simple, humble, content, and uncomplicated kind of person. my friends would always throw me snide comments like i will never even last a day living a simple life or id be the most trendy fisherman in the barrios. why would no one believe me?

honestly, i can live without all the complexities of life. i actually don't mind at all. all my friends see are the gadgets i have, the clothes that i wear, my bank accounts (soon to be non existent), my travels here and there, and other superficial shit. i am definitely more than all that.

yesterday, my friends were talking about the fishball vendor they talked to. they were saying that the fishball vendor earns around P500 nett daily. i said that makes P15K a month and that's not bad just for selling fishballs. i said that maybe i should try selling fishballs for the meantime since i am unemployed. i wholeheartedly meant it when i said it. immediately they answered that i will not earn the same because i would have to pay my hired vendor. i told them i dont intend to hire anyone, i intend to do it myself. as usual, i got chuckles, laughter, and comments like if ill be accepting credit cards as mode of payment with minimum of P5 per transaction. this cracked my friends big time, laughing their asses out thinking the whole idea was a joke. i wasn't at all joking.

at a year ender party i went to last december, some high school friends were saying that they were dreading the first workday of 2010. they said that if given the chance, they'd rather choose to be unemployed but cannot afford to do so income wise. they then asked me how i am able to manage being unemployed yet still be able to live a comfy life. i told them i rely on my savings. they asked if my savings were from my parents. i answered hell no. they then asked me where i got the money and when i told them they all got dumbfounded. i told them, when i was in the states i worked as a nanny to three kids and would sometimes work as a carpenter when needed. they laughed thinking i was making a joke. i told them i was dead serious. they said they were in disbelief that i, catch gaviola, would choose to work as a nanny and a carpenter. it was i that gave them a laugh instead.

to my dear friends, despite all the nice crap i wear and the extravagant lifestyle i have, i am just an average joe wanting simple joys. i may have certain odd preferences but that doesn't mean i am superficial. i am just as fucked up as anybody else. hahahaha.

365 DAYS OF SH*T

over and over i feel the same thing.
i rise and as if time has turned a notch a faster, i lose track of it i suddenly fall.
over and over i see the same thing.
the sun standing proud and as i blink it bid farewell then darkness takes over.
over and over i hear the same thing.
tick-tock-tick-tock i try to run with my heartbeat yet the track seems never ending.
i am losing in this battle.
i am starting to feel weak.
i try to savor everything around me yet nothing seems to be appealing.
left i turned i ended screaming.
right i turned i ended crying.
i stay still on neutral ground i find myself frozen.
as i try to give meaning to all shit happening, i ended dying.

same shit, different day!

NEGOTIABLE AFFECTION

ive always wondered how it is to be a person with negotiable affection? being paid for "affection" if you know what im saying. since i am in search for anything that will shake things up a little, maybe i should try being an undercover male-for-hire. hahahaha.

what the fuck am i thinking? i need to sleep.

FUCK 2010

as much as id want to celebrate the new year, i just cant seem to find enough reasons to do so. i know that the coming of a new year is a fresh way to start anew but i just feel same old same old.

i usually plan a lot everytime a new year starts - new agendas, new travel plans, new goals, new things to buy, etc. as the new year approached, i just felt apathetic. more like passive and indifferent. it seemed that there is just nothing to look forward to this coming year.

i dont usually drink when i go to year-ender parties but this time was different. i went to every party i got invited to and got totally wasted. i must say i enjoy the feeling of being drunk. this was my way of bidding farewell to a great 2009 maybe. it's like breaking off with a girlfriend and then turning to alcohol for self satisfaction. im so headed for a big downfall.

could it be that im just getting older that my zest for life is starting to wane? or, could it be because im starting to stagnate once again? honestly, i am just bored. bored to the extent that i am desperately in need of something to shake things up a little. i need to be involved into something dangerous or illegal. hahaha. come to think of it, maybe i should start exploring once again. let the rebel in me get out of his cage once more. tsk tsk tsk. this is not good.

ac*d, h*shish, e*stacy, we*d, c*ke, hero*n = heaven

hahahah =)

TOKYO

im thinking of going to tokyo.

i just need a visa first.

IM BRINGING CURLY BACK

ha! i just had my hair curled again. how i missed having curly hair!!!!

HAIR

darn it! i miss my long permed hair!

why was i not born with curly hair?

SAVINGS

photography as a hobby is very expensive. for someone who is unemployed by choice like me, it's starting to be a burden. grin!

background:

eversince i graduated college in 2007, i only got to work for a month. i realized working was not for me. hahaha. schedules, organizational structures, and monotonous day routines were things that drove me insane and made me gain weight. so what i did, i quit.

since i choose not to have a job, i will have to solely rely on my ever precious savings. i got by with this. my savings were enough to have me travelling to places i wanted to go and come back to and it was enough for my everyday chillax life.

now, eversince i started photography, i feel my savings abruptly draining. purchases with regards to photography never seem to stop. i started with the camera body and one lens. then i had to buy a bag for it. i then bought a filter for the lens. then i had to buy a lens hood for the lens. a few days after, i decided to buy a new lens. since i bought a new lens, i had to buy a new filter for it and since i bought a new lens, i had to buy a bigger bag to accomodate my camera and my two lenses. i was wise with this one, i bought a big camera bag this time that could accomodate a lot of stuff anticipating that i will be buying more lenses and accesories soon.

just recently, i bought a photography book by scott kelby. from i what i learned, i need to have a good and sturdy tripod, polarizing filters for the lens, and a remote switch. okay, being the freak that i am, i rushed to the store and got myself a good and sturdy tripod, two polarizing filters for both my lenses, and a remote switch. i also bought a flash diffuser, a lenspen, a rocket blower, and some more media cards. i am starting to feel poor.

comparing my savings before and after i started photography, it went plunging to 1/3 the amount. arghhhsss!!!! here's the thing, i may have good gear to take photos but i aint got the dough to travel anymore to take good photos. the irony of it. fuck it.

so here i am now, laying on my bed sulking. i am pondering if i should get a job soon. if i do, am i ready to set aside my i-have-time-on-the-palm-of-my-hand life? so much for being a spontaneous free spirit! i'd rather choose to be unemployed yet happy than employed yet miserable! realitywise though, having to work is inevitable. money doesn't grow on trees. i have more or less six months to decide. hahaha.. i believe i could still stretch what remains of my savings to that extent provided that i do not buy a canon EF 70-200mm f/4 L IS USM lens anytime soon. hahahaha.

PEOPLE WATCHING

one thing i enjoy doing is people watching. i like looking at people. i just love to observe and whirl with the thoughts that would run through my mind.

airports are my mecca for people watching. during my travels, i actually dont mind checking in way ahead of time so just i could people watch. i would just sit on one spot and watch people go by. i find it very enriching. i would ponder what country they are from or where they are headed next or perhaps why they are dressed a certain way or what their purpose for travel is.

*sitting in one corner

*people watching

by people watching i see all sorts of differences in culture - how liberal some people are and how conservative some people might get. one instance, as i was sitting on the floor in an airport in thailand, a group of caucausian girls boldly strip down in their undies, put on deodorant, and put on new set of clothes. they didn't seem to mind everybody else around them (good thing they didn't. lol). i so wanted to snap a photo but that would be just darn inappropriate. they seem to be in haste, probably late for check in. on the other hand, while i was lined up in border control, i saw a group of islam women (i pressumed) all covered in layers of black cloth from head to toe. if i am not mistaken, islam women are forbidden to show any skin. then i wondered how the border control officers would handle such a case. the border control officers are supposed to check identities and see if they match the photo in passports. i was very eager to find out but it was i next in queue so i never got in finding out how. crap.

sometimes i also wonder how language barriers are bridged. there was this one time when i saw a korean woman, probably my age, who seemed pretty lost in the airport. being the helpful person that i am (ehem), i approached her and asked her what seemed to be the problem. she just looked at me and said a phrase in korean that ended with the word "english." i got it, she doesn't speak english. no wonder she was having a hard time. all the signage in the airport are written either in english or in the country's native language. then she bowed down and left.

people watching is fun. just make sure you dont cross the line from just observing to being just rude.

LAST SATURDAY

last saturday, i was badly craving for alcohol. i badly wanted to get wasted just for the sake of being wasted. so i did.

last saturday, the bad ass typhoon ondoy hit the country. some of my friends were greatly affected - one lost a car and a home, one lost a grandmother and an aunt, and some are still unreachable so i aint got any idea about. a cousin got stranded somewhere in banawe ave and was forced to take refuge in a bus for the night.

last saturday, we rushed a friend to the hospital. she suddenly had a seizure. the physicians are yet to find out the cause. no, she wasn't drinking alcohol with us. while i and some friends were drowning ourselves with beer, she was having a home serviced pedicure. i swear, i felt all intoxication washed out from me when the incident happened.

last saturday, i bacame number one in the facebook game "plock". effin 2M++ score. hahaha. a friend came so close but ain't enough.

last saturday, i ate one whole footlong sandwich and salt and vinegar flavored veggie chicharon. a feat for me. hahaha.

how was your saturday?

RETRIBUTION

light has gone astray and the bitter cold has set in. this is it! the day has finally come.

i was in refuge for such a long time and now time has come to finally claim what was long overdue. i've been holding on to every bit of light that i would see spark and now all seemed to be exasperated. as i look around mere shadows are taking shapes that are unknown to me. i cannot deny this anymore. this must be faced.

i feel blinded though. this is something i knew that was bound to happen but never seemed to be at arm's reach. darkness has crept in every direction. as i try to feel everything around me, with eyes fixed into nothingness, i shiver. the stillness i sense now will soon betray me.

am i ready? regardless, i have no choice but to succumb, to surrender. choice is not an option anymore. the enevitable is invariably occuring before me. "why prolong the agony?" i hear myself say.

i open my arms wide and shut my eyes and i let the vast blackness engulf me. i feel every part of me being torn into pieces yet i feel no pain. this is something i did not expect. "this is suppose to hurt!" i hear myself say, once more. then, in just a fraction of time, it was all over.

as i lay broken, catching my every breath, i hear a distant sound. i cannot make out the sound i am hearing yet it feels soothing. it is calming. in this sound i shall take refuge once again. i shall linger, i shall rest.

BYGONES

i just got a text message saying that an old friend's grandmother died. i was being asked if i wanted to attend the wake. i am unsure.

about a year and a half ago, this old friend and i had a falling apart. it was over differences brought about by new relations in her part. tension slowly built up. it started with snide comments, some small outbursts every now and then, some rants here, some there until finally one day consummation kicked in and rage was just unleashed. ive known this person for a long time. a long time i dare say. thinking about it now, it is kind of funny how easily i brushed off the friendship. i remember not even having second thoughts about it despite all the pleas common friends were throwing in at me.

looking back, i and this old friend used to be a tandem. we were together everywhere. from roadtrips, to parties, to just hanging out - hell, we were together. we were tight. i was always her resort as she was mine. it was actually automatic, wherever she's seen, i am seen as well. until now, people never really got over that sense. whenever i grace gatherings they tend to question my missing half. i just give them a shrug and a smirk. they resort. they get the idea i pressume.

i will admit, i was jealous. i was suddenly put aside as her new relation stepped in. dont get me wrong - this is not jealousy romantic wise. point clear. i was now a background for a new foreman has stepped in. i was now a second resort. that was a struggle. i was never used to this set up. a confrontation and a few tongue lashings put a dot on the story line.

as time took its course, working its thing as always, i got used to the idea. hence, my current disposition. while typing this i am doing some pondering asking myself if i am okay. i guess i am. i actually am. i am now considering a go show. being civil about the whole thing is not such a gruelling task. it wouldn't require bending a limb. haha. i wonder what will transpire from then on?

THOUGHT: 25 -ish

a friend once wrote in her blog that life ends at 25. figuratively, it sure does. i am 25 now and i must say that quarter life crisis sure did not miss its turn on me. i sure did feel the struggles, the doubts, the questions, the issues and all sorts of the like. i had to re-evaluate some of the things i strongly believe in and re-assess some of my principles. so, what have i realized in my 25 years of existence?

1) contrary to the saying that a you don't always get what you want, i must say that it is possible to always get what you want in the condition that it's within the limits of your control. if you want something and it is within your control, you can get it as long as you work hard for it - giving it your all.

2) that regardless of whatever people say or dictate, it is always your decision that matters. at the end of the day, it is you who is going to take responsibility for your actions. it is just a matter of having the guts to face the consequences of things you do - either good or bad.

3) that the more you mingle with people, the more you become wiser. why? because by doing so you see all sorts of characters and you learn to deal with each type. you learn to act accordingly with tact and respect and you learn to just be appropriate.

4) that you dont seek happiness from the company of others but from yourself. you must learn to derive happiness from within yourself because people come and go. if the people you get happiness from go, they take away your happiness with them leaving you bitter and miserable.

5) that you don't need to be religious to be faithful spiritually. it is a matter of how strong your faith is to your spiritual belief and not how often you go to your spiritual congregation. faith is unmeasurable. it is something that is personal and not dictated. faith is something that is not to be proven. faith is a personal relationship with whoever or whatever you choose to associate it with.

6) adding insult to injury creates chaos. there is no sense in justifying a mistake with another mistake. when a mistake is made, deal with it and leave it at that. just learn from it and move on. don't rationalize and make excuses. just suck it in. in the first place, think first before making a move. learn to project the consequences and evaluate if you can stand up to it.

7) you must never assume. people tend to assume things and make the mistake of believing their own assumptions. an assumption is still just an assumption. don't dwell on it. if it will remain unknown to you, don't kill yourself trying to make it known by assuming. an assumption is and will remain an assumption.

8 ) never dwell on anything for a long time. everything is transitory. everything changes. keep that in mind.

9) be yourself. life is too short to be somebody else. be comfortable. please yourself first before you please others. love yourself first before you love others. see yourself according to your own perspective and not another's.

10) maximize your potentials. all human is infinitely perfectible. you can do anything within human limits as long as you strive hard. you can learn anything. you are capable of anything. have the confidence and just believe in yourself.

11) eliminate pride from your system. be responsible for the things you do. learn to know yor grounds and own up to it. there is no sense in denying to yourself that you made a bad deed. you can never lie to yourself. you can never fool yourself so stop telling yourself otherwise.

12) never regret anything. regretting is pointless because time moves forward. you can never turn it back. take your experiences as lessons. if something you did turned out bad, learn from it. at least now you know. don't commit it again. you're stupid if you do.

REPOST: FOLLOW

i’m tired chasing the wind…

im done catching the breeze…

the end is near…

i feel it, i see it…

just a little more time…

it will be over…

as my eyes shut…

i will sleep…

forever.

REPOST: STEP OUT OF THE CIRCLE

"a cirle is never ending so step out of it!" - catch

im idle. im stagnated. im in a cycle. if i dont do anything about it, hell, i’ll rust! never be stuck in one phase of your life. a person must continuously grow and learn. age is not a variable. we must age with wisdom. all human is infinitely perfectible. let’s all aim for perfection and greater things. i know we’ll never do but hey, at least we’re reaching and by that we become better. do not mind mistakes for they are lessons that enrich our lives - just dont make the same mistake twice coz’ if you do, you’re stupid! learn once and be better each time. soon, you’ll become invincible.