LIBERATION

as i look into nothingness, i start to imagine
as i imagine, i start to feel free
once free, i soar high
up high, everything seemed clear

everything unrestrained, i am reckless
for the first time i feel liberated
no rules, no conformities
i give into myself

to linger more, i shall
for no constraints abound
freedom to do so and so
i grasp so tight at hand

i fly away into nothingness
looking back is not a choice
one look back will be my fall
for i am weak in soul

FUCK 2010

as much as id want to celebrate the new year, i just cant seem to find enough reasons to do so. i know that the coming of a new year is a fresh way to start anew but i just feel same old same old.

i usually plan a lot everytime a new year starts - new agendas, new travel plans, new goals, new things to buy, etc. as the new year approached, i just felt apathetic. more like passive and indifferent. it seemed that there is just nothing to look forward to this coming year.

i dont usually drink when i go to year-ender parties but this time was different. i went to every party i got invited to and got totally wasted. i must say i enjoy the feeling of being drunk. this was my way of bidding farewell to a great 2009 maybe. it's like breaking off with a girlfriend and then turning to alcohol for self satisfaction. im so headed for a big downfall.

could it be that im just getting older that my zest for life is starting to wane? or, could it be because im starting to stagnate once again? honestly, i am just bored. bored to the extent that i am desperately in need of something to shake things up a little. i need to be involved into something dangerous or illegal. hahaha. come to think of it, maybe i should start exploring once again. let the rebel in me get out of his cage once more. tsk tsk tsk. this is not good.

ac*d, h*shish, e*stacy, we*d, c*ke, hero*n = heaven

hahahah =)

ENOUGH

i've been in hiatus for the past few days (im sick as hell). in doing so, i was made to ponder about things in life. as i was staring blankly at the ceiling, it made me think how much longer can i actually go on with being unemployed and solely depending on my savings.

reality wise, my savings is drastically depleting and i don't think it can suffice my over extragavant spending habits anymore. i will admit, i am a huge spender. i've always denied this fact to my mom and friends everytime they would tell me that i spend a lot. sometimes, i would get into arguments with my mom because she wouldn't agree on my spending habits. the funny thing is, i only realized this when i think it's a bit too late. as the saying goes, you will only see the worth of something once it's gone. you sure do. in my case - savings.

as much as i'd want to stop being impulsive, i just cant. i always tend to rationalize. it sucks. i've bought so many things that are now just covered with dust. i have clothes that i never got to use, shoes that ive used once, hats that were bought for the sake of just buying them, gadgets that make me think now why i even bothered buying them in the first place, and so much more. the thing with me is, if i see something i like or i think i need, i buy it. im getting sick of this habit. my friends even have this habit of setting a timeline for every new thing i acquire - whether it be a guitar, a keyboard, a skateboard,, a new cellphone, a psp, a camera, etc. they would usually give it two weeks before i get tired of it. most of the time, they are right.

so that you have an idea on how much i actually spend, my usual monthly credit card bill is around 15k  -  to 20k and my cash spending varies from 15k to as much as 50k a month. for someone unemployed, this is not tolerable.

i badly need intervention!!!!!!! is there a rehab center for overspending?!?!?

(come to think of it, this habit will soon be over since there is nothing to spend anymore. i shall glady embrace poverty with open arms! =/)

THE DRINK AND THE DRUNK

im in the mood of being wasted this saturday night (smirk!). ive realized recently that my tolerance for alchohol has increased drastically. good for me.

i was just sorting out photos in my hard drive when i realized that i have tons of photos either holding a bottle of beer or being totally wasted in many different occasions. hahaha. i never actually thought that id come to such point. i was never really into drinking (or so i make myself believe). i dont like the taste of beer and yet looking thru the photos it seems otherwise.

as i browse thru each photo one by one, i recall each particular event. i try to remember how much alcohol i actually ingested and if my memory serves me right, it seems a hefty LOT. hahaha.

i guess gone are the days of being alcoholically demure and cheers to morning after hang-overs and dry mouth.

THOUGHT: 25 -ish

a friend once wrote in her blog that life ends at 25. figuratively, it sure does. i am 25 now and i must say that quarter life crisis sure did not miss its turn on me. i sure did feel the struggles, the doubts, the questions, the issues and all sorts of the like. i had to re-evaluate some of the things i strongly believe in and re-assess some of my principles. so, what have i realized in my 25 years of existence?

1) contrary to the saying that a you don't always get what you want, i must say that it is possible to always get what you want in the condition that it's within the limits of your control. if you want something and it is within your control, you can get it as long as you work hard for it - giving it your all.

2) that regardless of whatever people say or dictate, it is always your decision that matters. at the end of the day, it is you who is going to take responsibility for your actions. it is just a matter of having the guts to face the consequences of things you do - either good or bad.

3) that the more you mingle with people, the more you become wiser. why? because by doing so you see all sorts of characters and you learn to deal with each type. you learn to act accordingly with tact and respect and you learn to just be appropriate.

4) that you dont seek happiness from the company of others but from yourself. you must learn to derive happiness from within yourself because people come and go. if the people you get happiness from go, they take away your happiness with them leaving you bitter and miserable.

5) that you don't need to be religious to be faithful spiritually. it is a matter of how strong your faith is to your spiritual belief and not how often you go to your spiritual congregation. faith is unmeasurable. it is something that is personal and not dictated. faith is something that is not to be proven. faith is a personal relationship with whoever or whatever you choose to associate it with.

6) adding insult to injury creates chaos. there is no sense in justifying a mistake with another mistake. when a mistake is made, deal with it and leave it at that. just learn from it and move on. don't rationalize and make excuses. just suck it in. in the first place, think first before making a move. learn to project the consequences and evaluate if you can stand up to it.

7) you must never assume. people tend to assume things and make the mistake of believing their own assumptions. an assumption is still just an assumption. don't dwell on it. if it will remain unknown to you, don't kill yourself trying to make it known by assuming. an assumption is and will remain an assumption.

8 ) never dwell on anything for a long time. everything is transitory. everything changes. keep that in mind.

9) be yourself. life is too short to be somebody else. be comfortable. please yourself first before you please others. love yourself first before you love others. see yourself according to your own perspective and not another's.

10) maximize your potentials. all human is infinitely perfectible. you can do anything within human limits as long as you strive hard. you can learn anything. you are capable of anything. have the confidence and just believe in yourself.

11) eliminate pride from your system. be responsible for the things you do. learn to know yor grounds and own up to it. there is no sense in denying to yourself that you made a bad deed. you can never lie to yourself. you can never fool yourself so stop telling yourself otherwise.

12) never regret anything. regretting is pointless because time moves forward. you can never turn it back. take your experiences as lessons. if something you did turned out bad, learn from it. at least now you know. don't commit it again. you're stupid if you do.

REPOST: REALITY CHECK

no matter how hard we try or make ourselves believe, we sure can’t control everything…..

lesson:

have courage to change what we can and just have the wisdom to accept what we can’t. it fucking sucks but learn to just love it.

just thought i’d share.

REPOST: FUCK MAN, IM CHEESY

no matter how much i try to deny it, im still a sucker for romance flicks! bugger! it kills me just thinkin’ about it… to overcome denial is to welcome acceptance! fine, all guards down. i always thought of myself as the easy-go-lucky type… just chillin around with no worries and hook-ups but you know what, reality check, i do want some complicated love story of my own (fuck man, "love" story?!?) i’ve done some silly shit with my previous hook-ups and im telling you it was damn hell shitty. lol. never the serious type. bloody. i guess i also do want to feel the elated high feeling of "come take me away to where the clouds are" crap…you know, just being irrationally emotional.. the feeling like when your heart governs thinking… the type when your heart races and you go start your day with a smile, whistling all care free while going to where you’re going kinda stuff. cheesy i know, right? i guess im a hopeless romantc after all?!??!

p.s.

right on aisa, right on…. i’ve been hitting your head every time we talk about this.. guess you’d be hittin my head now… or maybe let’s just fly away together… guess you were freakin’ right after all… *winks*

REPOST: UN-INTERESTING

i just came into realization that my life is not that interesting as i thought it was. browsing through profiles, blogs, and posts of the rest of the upis01 peeps just made me think so. looking at it made me see that i haven’t actually accomplished anything - nothing major atleast. life is one hell of a roadtrip! too bad for me im stuck in a run-a-bout. fuck. im rusting. just like metal soaked in liquid. soon, ill be corroding and then *poof* - im gone.

if i’d be praying i’d say:

Lord, take me to where the light is!

if i’d be praying…


post script:

the word "fuck" is such a nice word and act…

REPOST: LIFE SUCKS

freaks… another night yet again im awake…it’s 2:17 am now. i’ve been infront of my computer for like hours now - browsing over this and that, unendlessly checkin’ for new emails. it’s official - LIFE SUCKS! *amp*

have you ever been to the point in your life when suddenly it dawns unto your mind that your life is boring? alas, i have. everyday is a routine. i’ve come to realize that i’m living my life in a pattern. you know what? it sucks. i need something exciting to perk me up! i wonder when that would be?