LIBERATION

as i look into nothingness, i start to imagine
as i imagine, i start to feel free
once free, i soar high
up high, everything seemed clear

everything unrestrained, i am reckless
for the first time i feel liberated
no rules, no conformities
i give into myself

to linger more, i shall
for no constraints abound
freedom to do so and so
i grasp so tight at hand

i fly away into nothingness
looking back is not a choice
one look back will be my fall
for i am weak in soul

UPDATE UPDATE

it's been so loooooonnngggg since i last blogged. i was so busy as i like telling myself. anyway, i am practically done editing the pictures that piled on my hard drive. so, what's up with me lately?!?

1. boracay trip was a blast. i must admit i had fun. i went fire dancing in hawaiian barbeque... that was really neat.

2. i already passed the international licensure exam i was preparing for. that's a weight off the shoulder.

3. i got rid of some sh*tty friends... like i always say, i dont mind losing 20 friends at once, i have more than you could imagine.. hahahahaha. trifling people... lol

4. i will be conducting photo editing workshops with some friends... i and some friends will be putting up a studio very soon so for the meantime, we'll be focusing on holding out photo editing tutorials first. would you like to join?

5. i just turned 26 just 2 days back.. had a blast celebrating with good friends... booze, food, and a whole lot of conversations... hahahahahaha

6. i finally have a copy of my all time favorite film "BLOOD IN, BLOOD OUT." can't wait to watch it with the VATOS LOCOS.... i'm pretty sure i'll get the chicano high again for a month....

7. i'm currently reading on "hannibal rising"  by thomas harris. im stuck on chapter 18.. hahahaha...

8. my friends got inked last night... im such a loser for not getting one.. hahahaha....

9. i still have no plans for the coming holy week...

10. im planning on enrolling in Fashion Institue of the Philippines and take Fashion Photography classes... i'm still deciding on it....

11. i got rid of my curls, my hair is getting long. i am doning the Jesus Christ look lately.. i haven't shaved my facial hair for weeks.. hahahaha.. just in time for the holy week...

12. i joined an international photo contest. i didn't win nor got short listed... i'm bitter about it. hahahahahaha...

13. im going crazy over taco bell's churros.. hahahaha....

14. break-ups and make-ups been staling the air lately... hahahahaha... sh*t happens.

15. im still deciding if i should go back to the states this coming april =/

that's basically it for me lately... i am telling myself to blog more often.... and oh, i just started on flickr. do check out my works at http://www.flickr.com/djcatch .

BUSY BUSY BUSY

sorry if i haven't been blogging the past few weeks...i've been busy with "photography." i've been editing endless numbers of photos.. i'll post some of my works soon in my photo blog or better yet just look it up in my facebook account - catch gaviola.

pax, i miss you...

THE SIMPLE LIFE

ive always had this vision of me living the life of a simple fisherman - rising before dawn breaks to fish for the whole day's meals, mending my fishnets during idle times, and solely relying on candlelight at night.

everytime i would tell this vision of myself to my friends i always end up being mocked. nobody would take me seriously. i always tell them that i strongly believe that in my past life i was a fisherman. all i get are chuckles and laughter. i tell them i am dead serious.

my friends have always known me as a go getter, impulsive, outgoing, and modern type of guy. i admit i am but im also just a simple, humble, content, and uncomplicated kind of person. my friends would always throw me snide comments like i will never even last a day living a simple life or id be the most trendy fisherman in the barrios. why would no one believe me?

honestly, i can live without all the complexities of life. i actually don't mind at all. all my friends see are the gadgets i have, the clothes that i wear, my bank accounts (soon to be non existent), my travels here and there, and other superficial shit. i am definitely more than all that.

yesterday, my friends were talking about the fishball vendor they talked to. they were saying that the fishball vendor earns around P500 nett daily. i said that makes P15K a month and that's not bad just for selling fishballs. i said that maybe i should try selling fishballs for the meantime since i am unemployed. i wholeheartedly meant it when i said it. immediately they answered that i will not earn the same because i would have to pay my hired vendor. i told them i dont intend to hire anyone, i intend to do it myself. as usual, i got chuckles, laughter, and comments like if ill be accepting credit cards as mode of payment with minimum of P5 per transaction. this cracked my friends big time, laughing their asses out thinking the whole idea was a joke. i wasn't at all joking.

at a year ender party i went to last december, some high school friends were saying that they were dreading the first workday of 2010. they said that if given the chance, they'd rather choose to be unemployed but cannot afford to do so income wise. they then asked me how i am able to manage being unemployed yet still be able to live a comfy life. i told them i rely on my savings. they asked if my savings were from my parents. i answered hell no. they then asked me where i got the money and when i told them they all got dumbfounded. i told them, when i was in the states i worked as a nanny to three kids and would sometimes work as a carpenter when needed. they laughed thinking i was making a joke. i told them i was dead serious. they said they were in disbelief that i, catch gaviola, would choose to work as a nanny and a carpenter. it was i that gave them a laugh instead.

to my dear friends, despite all the nice crap i wear and the extravagant lifestyle i have, i am just an average joe wanting simple joys. i may have certain odd preferences but that doesn't mean i am superficial. i am just as fucked up as anybody else. hahahaha.

365 DAYS OF SH*T

over and over i feel the same thing.
i rise and as if time has turned a notch a faster, i lose track of it i suddenly fall.
over and over i see the same thing.
the sun standing proud and as i blink it bid farewell then darkness takes over.
over and over i hear the same thing.
tick-tock-tick-tock i try to run with my heartbeat yet the track seems never ending.
i am losing in this battle.
i am starting to feel weak.
i try to savor everything around me yet nothing seems to be appealing.
left i turned i ended screaming.
right i turned i ended crying.
i stay still on neutral ground i find myself frozen.
as i try to give meaning to all shit happening, i ended dying.

same shit, different day!

NEGOTIABLE AFFECTION

ive always wondered how it is to be a person with negotiable affection? being paid for "affection" if you know what im saying. since i am in search for anything that will shake things up a little, maybe i should try being an undercover male-for-hire. hahahaha.

what the fuck am i thinking? i need to sleep.

FUCK 2010

as much as id want to celebrate the new year, i just cant seem to find enough reasons to do so. i know that the coming of a new year is a fresh way to start anew but i just feel same old same old.

i usually plan a lot everytime a new year starts - new agendas, new travel plans, new goals, new things to buy, etc. as the new year approached, i just felt apathetic. more like passive and indifferent. it seemed that there is just nothing to look forward to this coming year.

i dont usually drink when i go to year-ender parties but this time was different. i went to every party i got invited to and got totally wasted. i must say i enjoy the feeling of being drunk. this was my way of bidding farewell to a great 2009 maybe. it's like breaking off with a girlfriend and then turning to alcohol for self satisfaction. im so headed for a big downfall.

could it be that im just getting older that my zest for life is starting to wane? or, could it be because im starting to stagnate once again? honestly, i am just bored. bored to the extent that i am desperately in need of something to shake things up a little. i need to be involved into something dangerous or illegal. hahaha. come to think of it, maybe i should start exploring once again. let the rebel in me get out of his cage once more. tsk tsk tsk. this is not good.

ac*d, h*shish, e*stacy, we*d, c*ke, hero*n = heaven

hahahah =)

SPIRIT OF CHRISTMAS

for a long time in my life, ive always been on the receiving end of the give - receive continuum. ive always been thankful for that. i consider myself blessed for everything happening in my life. its as if lady luck is a godmother to me. by this, ive made a conscious effort to give back what i can to the community - especially to the homeless.

for a few years now, i've been spending christmas eve on the streets giving simple joy to the homeless. i usually pack grocery bags to give out and bravely walk the streets at night. it breaks my heart everytime i would chance upon a father, mother, and child scouring trash for food on christmas eve. this is something that my conscience cannot bear. back at home people are feasting on tons of food mostly just going to spoil and eventually end up being thrown while the homeless are desperately seeking for anything just to ease their hunger.

last night, ive decided to give out packed meals instead of grocery bags. ive prepared more than a few packed meals and refreshments and bravely hit the streets. ive walked street after street carrying my goodies looking for the homeless. i must admit it was tiring but it was worth it. as i hand out the meals i have prepared and hear the word "salamat" and the phrase "maligayang pasko", i feel the tiredness suddenly go away and makes me more eager to go on. it was such a heart warming feeling.

after walking and searching for almost 4 hours, i was able to make it home just before the clock struck twelve. just in time for noche buena and gift giving. as i got home, my mom greeted me with a smile. i felt that the smile she gave me meant something. it conveyed a feeling that she was proud of me. that made my night even better.

happy holidays! may the spirit of christmas be with you guys always!

TUMBLR

follow my photo blog on tumblr...

outsidecatch.tumblr.com

TOKYO

im thinking of going to tokyo.

i just need a visa first.

IM BRINGING CURLY BACK

ha! i just had my hair curled again. how i missed having curly hair!!!!

SHOOT ME

i was not able to control myself, AGAIN.

i acquired a new lens for my camera. an impulsive buy.

somebody please shoot me!

* my new baby

post script:

pax, buy me a canon battery grip for christmas!!!! lol. i'll buy you candy from the store.. hahahahah

ENOUGH

i've been in hiatus for the past few days (im sick as hell). in doing so, i was made to ponder about things in life. as i was staring blankly at the ceiling, it made me think how much longer can i actually go on with being unemployed and solely depending on my savings.

reality wise, my savings is drastically depleting and i don't think it can suffice my over extragavant spending habits anymore. i will admit, i am a huge spender. i've always denied this fact to my mom and friends everytime they would tell me that i spend a lot. sometimes, i would get into arguments with my mom because she wouldn't agree on my spending habits. the funny thing is, i only realized this when i think it's a bit too late. as the saying goes, you will only see the worth of something once it's gone. you sure do. in my case - savings.

as much as i'd want to stop being impulsive, i just cant. i always tend to rationalize. it sucks. i've bought so many things that are now just covered with dust. i have clothes that i never got to use, shoes that ive used once, hats that were bought for the sake of just buying them, gadgets that make me think now why i even bothered buying them in the first place, and so much more. the thing with me is, if i see something i like or i think i need, i buy it. im getting sick of this habit. my friends even have this habit of setting a timeline for every new thing i acquire - whether it be a guitar, a keyboard, a skateboard,, a new cellphone, a psp, a camera, etc. they would usually give it two weeks before i get tired of it. most of the time, they are right.

so that you have an idea on how much i actually spend, my usual monthly credit card bill is around 15k  -  to 20k and my cash spending varies from 15k to as much as 50k a month. for someone unemployed, this is not tolerable.

i badly need intervention!!!!!!! is there a rehab center for overspending?!?!?

(come to think of it, this habit will soon be over since there is nothing to spend anymore. i shall glady embrace poverty with open arms! =/)

BORACAY

9. i love secluded beaches. i'll never go to beaches with a lot of people. 

that's why i have no plans of ever going to boracay. 

i am violating this notion technically. i am off to the famous boracay this february for valentine's. the thing is, my brother sort of like "hired" me for the trip. yesterday, he and his girlfriend booked flights to boracay for 5 days and they were insisting that i come. i kept telling them that i do not have plans of ever going to boracay. he told me that he will pay for EVERYTHING if i come. hmmmm.... i asked what's the catch? he said he wanted somebody to document their trip. hahahaha. so that's why. i said i'll think about it first. he kept on bugging me the whole time convincing me that i come. he said what he meant by EVERYTHING is REALLY EVERYTHING! i wouldn't spend a buck on this trip. hahahahahahaha.. how desperate could he possibly get? i finally gave in. besides, this is another photo oppurtunity, i thought. hahahaha.

i booked a flight to boracay last night, using his credit card of course, for the upcoming trip. it's now official. i am coming.  i then realized that the trip is five days. i thought i may get bored. time for back up. hahahaha. i went over to my friends' house and told them about the upcoming trip. being the persuasive prick that i am, i convinced 4 other friends to come. hahahaha. i'm just too adorable to resist (grin). now, there's 7 of us going. this is going to be fun.

post script:

i need to buy a new underwater camera. i just sold mine last week to a friend to accomodate some new camera gear (photography is a curse!!!!). arghhhssss, i really have to say adios to my savings pretty soon. or maybe, i could try persuading my brother to buy the underwater camera instead. hahahahaha.

PLASTIC CARDS WITH MAGNETIC STRIPS AT THE BACK

i went on a field trip today. lol. i had to accompany my 7 year old niece to her school fieldtrip to subic. it was okay. i had better field trips when i was in elementary and highshool though. anyway, the highlight of the field trip for me was the duty free stop over in the end. argghhhsss...

i promised my self that i will cut down on my expenses (due to overspending on camera gear!). the thing with me is, i am very impulsive and i tend to rationalize a lot. i thought i came prepared with this one. i thought wrong.

i was checking the trip's itenary the night before and i saw the words "duty free stop" at the very end of the list. i thought to myself this was not good. quiksilver, billabong, zooyork, volcom, hurley, and ripcurl started to whirl around my head. because of that, i decided that i will only bring 2k cash on this trip and i will be assertive. i thought if i didnt bring cash then i will not buy anything. as if...

so the day went on pretty well only until the last stop which i dreaded most. the chartered bus came to a halt in front of the duty free establishment and there they were as if taunting me - quiksilver, billabong, zooyork, volcom, hurley and ripcurl on the display window. oh fuck! fuck, fuck, fuck!

people started alighting from the bus, so i and my niece went down as well. since i still have a lot left from the 2k i brought with me, i thought why not just spend it on whatever it could buy. so we went inside and i started checking things out. i could still buy one hurley shorts with the money i have with me. so i got my size and went straight to the cashier. as the cashier ringed the merchandise, the price was discounted to about 60% off. i asked if it was on sale and she said most of the men's apparel were on sale. geesh!!!!!!! this is not good. i told the cashier to hold my item for the meantime as i check some more stuff. she said okay.

i hurriedly went back to the men's apparel section, dragging my niece with me, and looked for a sales clerk. i found one and asked her what items in the men's apparel section were on sale and she said basically everything. i was suddenly in hypermode. i thought to myself, this is too good a deal to miss. so, i started to grab  mr. quiksilver, a few of his billabong cousins, his uncle mr.hurley and his friend mr. zooyork. hahahaha. obviously, the little cash i have with me is not enough to purchase all these. it's time to pull out those plastic cards with magnetic strips at the back. hahaha. again, i told myself, THIS IS TOO GOOD A DEAL TO MISS! (insert rationalization here)

since the 2k rule has been thrown out of the window, i asked my niece if she wanted anything. she said she'd look around first. after a few minutes of looking around, she got hold of a doll with a head-body disproportion and another with blond hair with a very small waistline. what's up with little girls and thier fascination with dolls?

so there goes my 2k assertion and expense cutting! i may have gone way beyond 2k but with a 60% off deal, it's definitely worth it! (insert rationalization here)

note:

next time i'll really be assertive. i mean it this time. i'll bring just enough cash and leave my credit cards at home. but what if there's an emergency? (insert rationalization here)

hahahaha. i am hopeless!

HAIR

darn it! i miss my long permed hair!

why was i not born with curly hair?

VOIP

i was busy the whole day trying to configure the settings for my brastel flip voice over the internet protocol phone. an aunt sent me this to cut on phone bills. what kills me about it is this: the thing came with instruction manuals and shit on how to set it up - it has certain instructions for different internet connection set-ups i.e. internet connection - splitter - modem - voip, internet connection - splitter - modem - router - voip, etc. the only set up that seems not to be included in the manual is if used with a wireless router. i was actually able to use the brastel flip if i disconnect the wireless router from the set up. i managed to make outgoing calls and received incoming ones. once i connect it to the wireless router, i cant make outgoing calls anymore. i cannot afford to disconnect the wireless router since our household uses two laptops and one desktop all of which connect to the internet wirelessly. i called brastel's customer support in japan and told them my problem but they seem not to have a solution for it. what they suggested was that i use the brastel flip without connecting it with the wireless router. that sucks.

anyway, after spending almost seven hours trying to fix it, i bailed. funny because i never bail on anything until i get it done. this was an exception because i see it hopeless. hahahaha. maybe one day if i get bored i'll give it a go once more.

SAVINGS

photography as a hobby is very expensive. for someone who is unemployed by choice like me, it's starting to be a burden. grin!

background:

eversince i graduated college in 2007, i only got to work for a month. i realized working was not for me. hahaha. schedules, organizational structures, and monotonous day routines were things that drove me insane and made me gain weight. so what i did, i quit.

since i choose not to have a job, i will have to solely rely on my ever precious savings. i got by with this. my savings were enough to have me travelling to places i wanted to go and come back to and it was enough for my everyday chillax life.

now, eversince i started photography, i feel my savings abruptly draining. purchases with regards to photography never seem to stop. i started with the camera body and one lens. then i had to buy a bag for it. i then bought a filter for the lens. then i had to buy a lens hood for the lens. a few days after, i decided to buy a new lens. since i bought a new lens, i had to buy a new filter for it and since i bought a new lens, i had to buy a bigger bag to accomodate my camera and my two lenses. i was wise with this one, i bought a big camera bag this time that could accomodate a lot of stuff anticipating that i will be buying more lenses and accesories soon.

just recently, i bought a photography book by scott kelby. from i what i learned, i need to have a good and sturdy tripod, polarizing filters for the lens, and a remote switch. okay, being the freak that i am, i rushed to the store and got myself a good and sturdy tripod, two polarizing filters for both my lenses, and a remote switch. i also bought a flash diffuser, a lenspen, a rocket blower, and some more media cards. i am starting to feel poor.

comparing my savings before and after i started photography, it went plunging to 1/3 the amount. arghhhsss!!!! here's the thing, i may have good gear to take photos but i aint got the dough to travel anymore to take good photos. the irony of it. fuck it.

so here i am now, laying on my bed sulking. i am pondering if i should get a job soon. if i do, am i ready to set aside my i-have-time-on-the-palm-of-my-hand life? so much for being a spontaneous free spirit! i'd rather choose to be unemployed yet happy than employed yet miserable! realitywise though, having to work is inevitable. money doesn't grow on trees. i have more or less six months to decide. hahaha.. i believe i could still stretch what remains of my savings to that extent provided that i do not buy a canon EF 70-200mm f/4 L IS USM lens anytime soon. hahahaha.

ousideCATCH

i just started a photo blog. please check out http://outsidecatch.blogspot.com

GIVING BACK

i am the type of person that is easily moved. the recent calamity that struck our country made such a big impact on me that i felt i had to do something. everytime i opened my facebook account, i am greeted by so many videos and photos of ondoy's aftermath. as i watch and see them one by one, i felt my heart shatter into pieces.

last week, i organized a relief operation to reach out to those affected by ondoy. i must admit it was hard to do but i was determined and there was no stopping me. i posted a shoutout on facebook that i am going to organize a relief operation. many responded to my post. a lot said that they are willing to help. i received messages from friends that they are willing to pledge monetary aid to help out. by wednesday last week, i was able to collect a hefty sum of money. deposits to my bank account were made. many also volunteered to do manpower help during the operation. i was overwhelmed with the reponses i got.

came wednesday night, i made an event invitation on facebook inviting the people who volunteered to come for a meeting on thursday to finalize the plan. from all those who volunteered, only four came. i felt a little frustrated. i thought people are full of talk shit. all talk but all shit. regardless, this must push thru. so i, together with the four who came, finalized the plan. the plan was to give out relief goods to 100 families and to do a feeding program for at least 200 individuals. as we were about to leave to do grocery shopping, another person came. good thing, that was. we then went to the supermarket and bought essential items to give out as relief goods.

when i got home that night, i texted people saying that we need help to do re- packing of relief goods on friday. once again, only the same people confirmed of coming. came friday, it was only us again doing the re-packing. i was really getting pissed. okay, so i guess it was only going to be us who will make this happen.

friday night, yet again, i posted another event invitation saying that we will be doing the relief goods distribution and feeding program on saturday and we badly need manpower. of course, it was only us again who confirmed. what the fuck!?!?! at around 2 am that saturday, as i was making relief bag stubs and meal stubs, four new people confirmed of joining. i felt a little relieved.

4:30 am that saturday, i met with my two friends in farmer's market in cubao to buy ingredients for the feeding program. we went straight to one of my friend's house after and started to prepare. did i mention that these two friends are chefs? they are. so, prepping and cooking for 200 people were a breeze for them. well, not for me but i managed. as the morning passed by, people who confirmed started coming. one even brought her boyfriend so that was extra help. by 11 am, there were 10 of us. by 1 pm we were able to finish prepping, cooking and packing all the meals for the feeding program. another friend came last minute so that made 11 of us.

we did our relief operations in pilillia, rizal. we coordinated with the area's local government unit and they provided us with police escort and a representative from their social welfare department. they brought us to one of their evacuation centers. when we got there, traces of the typhoon were still very evident. the place was really muddy and there were still areas that were a little flooded. it was depressing. when the people there saw us, they hurriedly came as if they knew that help has arrived. as i started handing out the relief bag stubs and meal stubs that i made, more and more people gathered around me and i felt a little worried. i thought that we will not be able to accomodate everybody. as i move from one area to another, the people never seemed to lessen but for some odd reason, the stubs in my hand never seemed to lessen as well.

people started lining up to claim their relief bags and packed meals in the designated claim area. thanks to the police escort that the LGU provided, it went very smoothly. it was heartwarming everytime we would hear the people say thank you. as we handed out the relief bags and packed meals, we saw smiles on the peoples' faces. that was more than enough to ease all the tiredness we all felt. would you believe that despite the very long line, nobody left empty handed?

we finished at around 7 pm that day. we all felt tired but we didn't mind. tiredness is nothing compared to those who felt hopeless, scared, burdened, and sorrowed. this little act of kindness may seem  minute compared to other outreach operations but i know deep in my heart that for those who were reached by our extended arms, this little act of kindness is something more.

kudos guys for a job well done!!! when the time comes that help is needed once more, we shall rise again to the occasion.