REPOST: A RECOLLECTION

it’s kinda funny how everytime when i feel most tired and just want to get a good night’s sleep do i always end up most roused. i’m starting to get this habit of pondering every bedtime and it kinda gives me a sense of pleasure and also a bit of frustarion. tonight, as i desperately try to knock myself to sleep, things from the past just keeps on hurling and hurling into my mind. you see, i just stayed the whole day on bed, getting off once in a while to do usual routines of life, reading a book a friend lent me. i finished at about 9 pm and thinking i could actually manage to read a new one, i frantically searched into my pile of books and got hold of another. i got to chapter 5 of this new book and felt sleepy so i decided to call it a night. i put down the book and got hold of my ipod and started listening to what i like to call my drift music (actually, it’s a digital recording of the ocean waves that run for about 2 hours). as i lay on my bed my thoughts have started to take up on me. i started to think about how life as a child for me was so simple and so innocent. i remember how shallow i was back then and yet i was satisfied. i remember how i used to climb on our roof with a mat clutched in my hand and spreading it just under the shade of a santol tree that covers part of our roof. i remember just laying there gazing up the sky and feeling happy. i also remember how i would climb our wall and actually tiptoe my way to it’s other end til i reach the part where my childhood sweetheart’s window is actually just overlooking upon me and just scream her name and she would actually peep from the window and we would talk. infact, there was this onetime that i actually fell on the otherside landing on their garden drainage. that sucked. i actually had to soap my self to death just to rid off the smell. as a kid, we used to have a treehouse. i remember inviting friends over there and we would imagine all sorts of things. happy memories were made there. i miss it. the games we played then were actually very physical, unlike now that the gameboy or psp has taken over. i remember running all over the streets in our neighborhood playing tag and hide and seek.those were actually the days. at sundown, i remember my mom, sometimes my dad, would call me and stop me from playing for supper. how me and my friends would bid each other goodbye and how we wished the day would never end. we would always look forward to the next day. i really had a nice childhood. thinking about it now actually makes me want to go back to that time. i guess all i can do now is just play it over and over in my mind like a stupid broken tape deck. i just love how it makes me smirk and giggle a little as funny memories hit my mind.

REPOST: RANDOM THOUGHTS

the mere thought of thinking about the realities of life is frustrating already. imagine thinking about it over and over again. adulthood is one thing that scares me. well, that actually depends on how one person views adulthood. i came upon reading a friend’s blog and she states that life ends at 25. damn, im 23 turning 24 this year - meaning i’ll be 25 next year. if my friend’s premise holds truth then i guess im damned. i’ve come to realize that no matter how much i try to view the world according to my perspective, reality just keeps on gushing in, distorting every ideal i have in mind. i’ve always pictured myself being successful - in retrospect, in highschool i’ve always thought that life was as simple as your dreams and your ambition. you know, do good in highschool, get in a prestigious university then graduate then get a stable job. moving on to the present, i’m like nowhere near the latter. well, if it’s any consolation to mention, i did good in highschool and i did get into a prestigious university but then things didn’t end up as i thought it would. i was in my second year in college when my very ideal world started to take a turn to reality alley. i was talked into taking a different career path by my folks (a long story goes in here but to make the story short i’ve decided to omit it). it was okay i thought then. well guess what? it’s not. i was immature then. i really didn’t project the heaviness of that career turn i actually took. now, everything seems to be taking it’s toll. now, every decision i try to make about my life is being hindered by that one move. it is like a black hole sucking everything of me. im tied to it and there seems to be no escaping it ( there is but im not really sure yet if a can manage to do it, maybe not just yet). i have plans for myself. these used to be it - get a stable job, get married, rear responsible children, travel the world when given the chance. well, if there’s one thing that could probably come to actuality, that would be the foremost. all the rest would be in a 50/50 chance. you see, the moment i took that turn way back in second year college got me committed into the harsh realities of the world. i dont come from a well-off family and by the looks of our current disposition, i am pretty much the very hope of my family - my mom the most. how can i live the life i want when i know deep down that my family is struggling? this makes commiting to a steady relationship with someone really hard. of course when i get commited i would do my best to provide for my special someone and that includes having a family with this special someone and provide the best for them. how can i do that when i’m pretty much commited now? i dont think it would be fair to commit to both knowing that one is being compromised. well, one principle i have in life is to always give 100% on whatever i am focused on. if im committed to two, that violates that principle. i have seen and know people who took courage into taking both. one side certainly suffers and there is no questioning that. sometimes i think what if i decide to live the life i want. if i do, i see myself being a good husband and a good father, but if i do, i’d be a terrible son. if i give up what i want, my folks would certainly be happy but what happens once i grow old? who would i have? is a person’s responsibility to his heritage or his future family? im 23 now turning 24 this year, i only have a year to decide. whichever path i choose into going, there sure is no turning back!