inside.CATCH

LIBERATION

2010-04-21T16:53:00.000+08:00

as i look into nothingness, i start to imagine
as i imagine, i start to feel free
once free, i soar high
up high, everything seemed clear

everything unrestrained, i am reckless
for the first time i feel liberated
no rules, no conformities
i give into myself

to linger more, i shall
for no constraints abound
freedom to do so and so
i grasp so tight at hand

i fly away into nothingness
looking back is not a choice
one look back will be my fall
for i am weak in soul

UPDATE UPDATE

2010-03-27T14:32:00.000+08:00

it's been so loooooonnngggg since i last blogged. i was so busy as i like telling myself. anyway, i am practically done editing the pictures that piled on my hard drive. so, what's up with me lately?!?

1. boracay trip was a blast. i must admit i had fun. i went fire dancing in hawaiian barbeque... that was really neat.

2. i already passed the international licensure exam i was preparing for. that's a weight off the shoulder.

3. i got rid of some sh*tty friends... like i always say, i dont mind losing 20 friends at once, i have more than you could imagine.. hahahahaha. trifling people... lol

4. i will be conducting photo editing workshops with some friends... i and some friends will be putting up a studio very soon so for the meantime, we'll be focusing on holding out photo editing tutorials first. would you like to join?

5. i just turned 26 just 2 days back.. had a blast celebrating with good friends... booze, food, and a whole lot of conversations... hahahahahaha

6. i finally have a copy of my all time favorite film "BLOOD IN, BLOOD OUT." can't wait to watch it with the VATOS LOCOS.... i'm pretty sure i'll get the chicano high again for a month....

7. i'm currently reading on "hannibal rising" by thomas harris. im stuck on chapter 18.. hahahaha...

8. my friends got inked last night... im such a loser for not getting one.. hahahaha....

9. i still have no plans for the coming holy week...

10. im planning on enrolling in Fashion Institue of the Philippines and take Fashion Photography classes... i'm still deciding on it....

11. i got rid of my curls, my hair is getting long. i am doning the Jesus Christ look lately.. i haven't shaved my facial hair for weeks.. hahahaha.. just in time for the holy week...

12. i joined an international photo contest. i didn't win nor got short listed... i'm bitter about it. hahahahahaha...

13. im going crazy over taco bell's churros.. hahahaha....

14. break-ups and make-ups been staling the air lately... hahahahaha... sh*t happens.

15. im still deciding if i should go back to the states this coming april =/

that's basically it for me lately... i am telling myself to blog more often.... and oh, i just started on flickr. do check out my works at http://www.flickr.com/djcatch .

BUSY BUSY BUSY

2010-02-05T22:14:00.000+08:00

sorry if i haven't been blogging the past few weeks...i've been busy with "photography." i've been editing endless numbers of photos.. i'll post some of my works soon in my photo blog or better yet just look it up in my facebook account - catch gaviola.

pax, i miss you...

THE SIMPLE LIFE

2010-01-08T04:28:00.002+08:00

ive always had this vision of me living the life of a simple fisherman - rising before dawn breaks to fish for the whole day's meals, mending my fishnets during idle times, and solely relying on candlelight at night.

everytime i would tell this vision of myself to my friends i always end up being mocked. nobody would take me seriously. i always tell them that i strongly believe that in my past life i was a fisherman. all i get are chuckles and laughter. i tell them i am dead serious.

my friends have always known me as a go getter, impulsive, outgoing, and modern type of guy. i admit i am but im also just a simple, humble, content, and uncomplicated kind of person. my friends would always throw me snide comments like i will never even last a day living a simple life or id be the most trendy fisherman in the barrios. why would no one believe me?

honestly, i can live without all the complexities of life. i actually don't mind at all. all my friends see are the gadgets i have, the clothes that i wear, my bank accounts (soon to be non existent), my travels here and there, and other superficial shit. i am definitely more than all that.

yesterday, my friends were talking about the fishball vendor they talked to. they were saying that the fishball vendor earns around P500 nett daily. i said that makes P15K a month and that's not bad just for selling fishballs. i said that maybe i should try selling fishballs for the meantime since i am unemployed. i wholeheartedly meant it when i said it. immediately they answered that i will not earn the same because i would have to pay my hired vendor. i told them i dont intend to hire anyone, i intend to do it myself. as usual, i got chuckles, laughter, and comments like if ill be accepting credit cards as mode of payment with minimum of P5 per transaction. this cracked my friends big time, laughing their asses out thinking the whole idea was a joke. i wasn't at all joking.

at a year ender party i went to last december, some high school friends were saying that they were dreading the first workday of 2010. they said that if given the chance, they'd rather choose to be unemployed but cannot afford to do so income wise. they then asked me how i am able to manage being unemployed yet still be able to live a comfy life. i told them i rely on my savings. they asked if my savings were from my parents. i answered hell no. they then asked me where i got the money and when i told them they all got dumbfounded. i told them, when i was in the states i worked as a nanny to three kids and would sometimes work as a carpenter when needed. they laughed thinking i was making a joke. i told them i was dead serious. they said they were in disbelief that i, catch gaviola, would choose to work as a nanny and a carpenter. it was i that gave them a laugh instead.

to my dear friends, despite all the nice crap i wear and the extravagant lifestyle i have, i am just an average joe wanting simple joys. i may have certain odd preferences but that doesn't mean i am superficial. i am just as fucked up as anybody else. hahahaha.

365 DAYS OF SH*T

2010-01-07T03:42:00.001+08:00

over and over i feel the same thing.
i rise and as if time has turned a notch a faster, i lose track of it i suddenly fall.
over and over i see the same thing.
the sun standing proud and as i blink it bid farewell then darkness takes over.
over and over i hear the same thing.
tick-tock-tick-tock i try to run with my heartbeat yet the track seems never ending.
i am losing in this battle.
i am starting to feel weak.
i try to savor everything around me yet nothing seems to be appealing.
left i turned i ended screaming.
right i turned i ended crying.
i stay still on neutral ground i find myself frozen.
as i try to give meaning to all shit happening, i ended dying.

same shit, different day!

NEGOTIABLE AFFECTION

2010-01-06T04:07:00.001+08:00

ive always wondered how it is to be a person with negotiable affection? being paid for "affection" if you know what im saying. since i am in search for anything that will shake things up a little, maybe i should try being an undercover male-for-hire. hahahaha.

what the fuck am i thinking? i need to sleep.

FUCK 2010

2010-01-05T03:20:00.002+08:00

as much as id want to celebrate the new year, i just cant seem to find enough reasons to do so. i know that the coming of a new year is a fresh way to start anew but i just feel same old same old.

i usually plan a lot everytime a new year starts - new agendas, new travel plans, new goals, new things to buy, etc. as the new year approached, i just felt apathetic. more like passive and indifferent. it seemed that there is just nothing to look forward to this coming year.

i dont usually drink when i go to year-ender parties but this time was different. i went to every party i got invited to and got totally wasted. i must say i enjoy the feeling of being drunk. this was my way of bidding farewell to a great 2009 maybe. it's like breaking off with a girlfriend and then turning to alcohol for self satisfaction. im so headed for a big downfall.

could it be that im just getting older that my zest for life is starting to wane? or, could it be because im starting to stagnate once again? honestly, i am just bored. bored to the extent that i am desperately in need of something to shake things up a little. i need to be involved into something dangerous or illegal. hahaha. come to think of it, maybe i should start exploring once again. let the rebel in me get out of his cage once more. tsk tsk tsk. this is not good.

ac*d, h*shish, e*stacy, we*d, c*ke, hero*n = heaven

hahahah =)

SPIRIT OF CHRISTMAS

2009-12-25T14:42:00.000+08:00

for a long time in my life, ive always been on the receiving end of the give - receive continuum. ive always been thankful for that. i consider myself blessed for everything happening in my life. its as if lady luck is a godmother to me. by this, ive made a conscious effort to give back what i can to the community - especially to the homeless.

for a few years now, i've been spending christmas eve on the streets giving simple joy to the homeless. i usually pack grocery bags to give out and bravely walk the streets at night. it breaks my heart everytime i would chance upon a father, mother, and child scouring trash for food on christmas eve. this is something that my conscience cannot bare. back at home people are feasting on tons of food mostly just going to spoil and eventually end up being thrown while the homeless are desperately seeking for anything just to ease their hunger.

last night, ive decided to give out packed meals instead of grocery bags. ive prepared more than a few packed meals and refreshments and bravely hit the streets. ive walked street after street carrying my goodies looking for the homeless. i must admit it was tiring but it was worth it. as i hand out the meals i have prepared and hear the word "salamat" and the phrase "maligayang pasko", i feel the tiredness suddenly go away and makes me more eager to go on. it was such a heart warming feeling.

after walking and searching for almost 4 hours, i was able to make it home just before the clock struck twelve. just in time for noche buena and gift giving. as i got home, my mom greeted me with a smile. i felt that the smile she gave me meant something. it conveyed a feeling that she was proud of me. that made my night even better.

happy holidays! may the spirit of christmas be with you guys always!

TUMBLR

2009-12-15T12:15:00.000+08:00

follow my photo blog on tumblr...

outsidecatch.tumblr.com

TOKYO

2009-12-03T03:34:00.000+08:00

im thinking of going to tokyo.

i just need a visa first.

IM BRINGING CURLY BACK

2009-12-03T02:52:00.000+08:00

ha! i just had my hair curled again. how i missed having curly hair!!!!

SHOOT ME

2009-11-30T10:43:00.001+08:00

i was not able to control myself, AGAIN.

i acquired a new lens for my camera. an impulsive buy.

somebody please shoot me!

* my new baby

post script:

pax, buy me a canon battery grip for christmas!!!! lol. i'll buy you candy from the store.. hahahahah

ENOUGH

2009-11-27T15:15:00.000+08:00

i've been in hiatus for the past few days (im sick as hell). in doing so, i was made to ponder about things in life. as i was staring blankly at the ceiling, it made me think how much longer can i actually go on with being unemployed and solely depending on my savings.

reality wise, my savings is drastically depleting and i don't think it can suffice my over extragavant spending habits anymore. i will admit, i am a huge spender. i've always denied this fact to my mom and friends everytime they would tell me that i spend a lot. sometimes, i would get into arguments with my mom because she wouldn't agree on my spending habits. the funny thing is, i only realized this when i think it's a bit too late. as the saying goes, you will only see the worth of something once it's gone. you sure do. in my case - savings.

as much as i'd want to stop being impulsive, i just cant. i always tend to rationalize. it sucks. i've bought so many things that are now just covered with dust. i have clothes that i never got to use, shoes that ive used once, hats that were bought for the sake of just buying them, gadgets that make me think now why i even bothered buying them in the first place, and so much more. the thing with me is, if i see something i like or i think i need, i buy it. im getting sick of this habit. my friends even have this habit of setting a timeline for every new thing i acquire - whether it be a guitar, a keyboard, a skateboard,, a new cellphone, a psp, a camera, etc. they would usually give it two weeks before i get tired of it. most of the time, they are right.

so that you have an idea on how much i actually spend, my usual monthly credit card bill is around 15k - to 20k and my cash spending varies from 15k to as much as 50k a month. for someone unemployed, this is not tolerable.

i badly need intervention!!!!!!! is there a rehab center for overspending?!?!?

(come to think of it, this habit will soon be over since there is nothing to spend anymore. i shall glady embrace poverty with open arms! =/)

BORACAY

2009-11-24T11:40:00.001+08:00

~~9. i love secluded beaches. i'll never go to beaches with a lot of people.~~

~~that's why i have no plans of ever going to boracay.~~

i am violating this notion technically. i am off to the famous boracay this february for valentine's. the thing is, my brother sort of like "hired" me for the trip. yesterday, he and his girlfriend booked flights to boracay for 5 days and they were insisting that i come. i kept telling them that i do not have plans of ever going to boracay. he told me that he will pay for EVERYTHING if i come. hmmmm.... i asked what's the catch? he said he wanted somebody to document their trip. hahahaha. so that's why. i said i'll think about it first. he kept on bugging me the whole time convincing me that i come. he said what he meant by EVERYTHING is REALLY EVERYTHING! i wouldn't spend a buck on this trip. hahahahahahaha.. how desperate could he possibly get? i finally gave in. besides, this is another photo oppurtunity, i thought. hahahaha.

i booked a flight to boracay last night, using his credit card of course, for the upcoming trip. it's now official. i am coming. i then realized that the trip is five days. i thought i may get bored. time for back up. hahahaha. i went over to my friends' house and told them about the upcoming trip. being the persuasive prick that i am, i convinced 4 other friends to come. hahahaha. i'm just too adorable to resist (grin). now, there's 7 of us going. this is going to be fun.

post script:

i need to buy a new underwater camera. i just sold mine last week to a friend to accomodate some new camera gear (photography is a curse!!!!). arghhhssss, i really have to say adios to my savings pretty soon. or maybe, i could try persuading my brother to buy the underwater camera instead. hahahahaha.

PLASTIC CARDS WITH MAGNETIC STRIPS AT THE BACK

2009-11-22T03:27:00.001+08:00

i went on a field trip today. lol. i had to accompany my 7 year old niece to her school fieldtrip to subic. it was okay. i had better field trips when i was in elementary and highshool though. anyway, the highlight of the field trip for me was the duty free stop over in the end. argghhhsss...

i promised my self that i will cut down on my expenses (due to overspending on camera gear!). the thing with me is, i am very impulsive and i tend to rationalize a lot. i thought i came prepared with this one. i thought wrong.

i was checking the trip's itenary the night before and i saw the words "duty free stop" at the very end of the list. i thought to myself this was not good. quiksilver, billabong, zooyork, volcom, hurley, and ripcurl started to whirl around my head. because of that, i decided that i will only bring 2k cash on this trip and i will be assertive. i thought if i didnt bring cash then i will not buy anything. as if...

so the day went on pretty well only until the last stop which i dreaded most. the chartered bus came to a halt in front of the duty free establishment and there they were as if taunting me - quiksilver, billabong, zooyork, volcom, hurley and ripcurl on the display window. oh fuck! fuck, fuck, fuck!

people started alighting from the bus, so i and my niece went down as well. since i still have a lot left from the 2k i brought with me, i thought why not just spend it on whatever it could buy. so we went inside and i started checking things out. i could still buy one hurley shorts with the money i have with me. so i got my size and went straight to the cashier. as the cashier ringed the merchandise, the price was discounted to about 60% off. i asked if it was on sale and she said most of the men's apparel were on sale. geesh!!!!!!! this is not good. i told the cashier to hold my item for the meantime as i check some more stuff. she said okay.

i hurriedly went back to the men's apparel section, dragging my niece with me, and looked for a sales clerk. i found one and asked her what items in the men's apparel section were on sale and she said basically everything. i was suddenly in hypermode. i thought to myself, this is too good a deal to miss. so, i started to grab mr. quiksilver, a few of his billabong cousins, his uncle mr.hurley and his friend mr. zooyork. hahahaha. obviously, the little cash i have with me is not enough to purchase all these. it's time to pull out those plastic cards with magnetic strips at the back. hahaha. again, i told myself, THIS IS TOO GOOD A DEAL TO MISS! (insert rationalization here)

since the 2k rule has been thrown out of the window, i asked my niece if she wanted anything. she said she'd look around first. after a few minutes of looking around, she got hold of a doll with a head-body disproportion and another with blond hair with a very small waistline. what's up with little girls and thier fascination with dolls?

so there goes my 2k assertion and expense cutting! i may have gone way beyond 2k but with a 60% off deal, it's definitely worth it! (insert rationalization here)

note:

next time i'll really be assertive. i mean it this time. i'll bring just enough cash and leave my credit cards at home. but what if there's an emergency? (insert rationalization here)

hahahaha. i am hopeless!

HAIR

2009-11-20T02:29:00.001+08:00

darn it! i miss my long permed hair!

why was i not born with curly hair?

VOIP

2009-11-17T00:37:00.001+08:00

i was busy the whole day trying to configure the settings for my brastel flip voice over the internet protocol phone. an aunt sent me this to cut on phone bills. what kills me about it is this: the thing came with instruction manuals and shit on how to set it up - it has certain instructions for different internet connection set-ups i.e. internet connection - splitter - modem - voip, internet connection - splitter - modem - router - voip, etc. the only set up that seems not to be included in the manual is if used with a wireless router. i was actually able to use the brastel flip if i disconnect the wireless router from the set up. i managed to make outgoing calls and received incoming ones. once i connect it to the wireless router, i cant make outgoing calls anymore. i cannot afford to disconnect the wireless router since our household uses two laptops and one desktop all of which connect to the internet wirelessly. i called brastel's customer support in japan and told them my problem but they seem not to have a solution for it. what they suggested was that i use the brastel flip without connecting it with the wireless router. that sucks.

anyway, after spending almost seven hours trying to fix it, i bailed. funny because i never bail on anything until i get it done. this was an exception because i see it hopeless. hahahaha. maybe one day if i get bored i'll give it a go once more.

SAVINGS

2009-11-13T11:05:00.004+08:00

photography as a hobby is very expensive. for someone who is unemployed by choice like me, it's starting to be a burden. grin!

background:

eversince i graduated college in 2007, i only got to work for a month. i realized working was not for me. hahaha. schedules, organizational structures, and monotonous day routines were things that drove me insane and made me gain weight. so what i did, i quit.

since i choose not to have a job, i will have to solely rely on my ever precious savings. i got by with this. my savings were enough to have me travelling to places i wanted to go and come back to and it was enough for my everyday chillax life.

now, eversince i started photography, i feel my savings abruptly draining. purchases with regards to photography never seem to stop. i started with the camera body and one lens. then i had to buy a bag for it. i then bought a filter for the lens. then i had to buy a lens hood for the lens. a few days after, i decided to buy a new lens. since i bought a new lens, i had to buy a new filter for it and since i bought a new lens, i had to buy a bigger bag to accomodate my camera and my two lenses. i was wise with this one, i bought a big camera bag this time that could accomodate a lot of stuff anticipating that i will be buying more lenses and accesories soon.

just recently, i bought a photography book by scott kelby. from i what i learned, i need to have a good and sturdy tripod, polarizing filters for the lens, and a remote switch. okay, being the freak that i am, i rushed to the store and got myself a good and sturdy tripod, two polarizing filters for both my lenses, and a remote switch. i also bought a flash diffuser, a lenspen, a rocket blower, and some more media cards. i am starting to feel poor.

comparing my savings before and after i started photography, it went plunging to 1/3 the amount. arghhhsss!!!! here's the thing, i may have good gear to take photos but i aint got the dough to travel anymore to take good photos. the irony of it. fuck it.

so here i am now, laying on my bed sulking. i am pondering if i should get a job soon. if i do, am i ready to set aside my i-have-time-on-the-palm-of-my-hand life? so much for being a spontaneous free spirit! i'd rather choose to be unemployed yet happy than employed yet miserable! realitywise though, having to work is inevitable. money doesn't grow on trees. i have more or less six months to decide. hahaha.. i believe i could still stretch what remains of my savings to that extent provided that i do not buy a canon EF 70-200mm f/4 L IS USM lens anytime soon. hahahaha.

ousideCATCH

2009-10-20T12:01:00.000+08:00

i just started a photo blog. please check out http://outsidecatch.blogspot.com

GIVING BACK

2009-10-13T04:47:00.010+08:00

i am the type of person that is easily moved. the recent calamity that struck our country made such a big impact on me that i felt i had to do something. everytime i opened my facebook account, i am greeted by so many videos and photos of ondoy's aftermath. as i watch and see them one by one, i felt my heart shatter into pieces.

last week, i organized a relief operation to reach out to those affected by ondoy. i must admit it was hard to do but i was determined and there was no stopping me. i posted a shoutout on facebook that i am going to organize a relief operation. many responded to my post. a lot said that they are willing to help. i received messages from friends that they are willing to pledge monetary aid to help out. by wednesday last week, i was able to collect a hefty sum of money. deposits to my bank account were made. many also volunteered to do manpower help during the operation. i was overwhelmed with the reponses i got.

came wednesday night, i made an event invitation on facebook inviting the people who volunteered to come for a meeting on thursday to finalize the plan. from all those who volunteered, only four came. i felt a little frustrated. i thought people are full of talk shit. all talk but all shit. regardless, this must push thru. so i, together with the four who came, finalized the plan. the plan was to give out relief goods to 100 families and to do a feeding program for at least 200 individuals. as we were about to leave to do grocery shopping, another person came. good thing, that was. we then went to the supermarket and bought essential items to give out as relief goods.

when i got home that night, i texted people saying that we need help to do re- packing of relief goods on friday. once again, only the same people confirmed of coming. came friday, it was only us again doing the re-packing. i was really getting pissed. okay, so i guess it was only going to be us who will make this happen.

friday night, yet again, i posted another event invitation saying that we will be doing the relief goods distribution and feeding program on saturday and we badly need manpower. of course, it was only us again who confirmed. what the fuck!?!?! at around 2 am that saturday, as i was making relief bag stubs and meal stubs, four new people confirmed of joining. i felt a little relieved.

4:30 am that saturday, i met with my two friends in farmer's market in cubao to buy ingredients for the feeding program. we went straight to one of my friend's house after and started to prepare. did i mention that these two friends are chefs? they are. so, prepping and cooking for 200 people were a breeze for them. well, not for me but i managed. as the morning passed by, people who confirmed started coming. one even brought her boyfriend so that was extra help. by 11 am, there were 10 of us. by 1 pm we were able to finish prepping, cooking and packing all the meals for the feeding program. another friend came last minute so that made 11 of us.

we did our relief operations in pilillia, rizal. we coordinated with the area's local government unit and they provided us with police escort and a representative from their social welfare department. they brought us to one of their evacuation centers. when we got there, traces of the typhoon were still very evident. the place was really muddy and there were still areas that were a little flooded. it was depressing. when the people there saw us, they hurriedly came as if they knew that help has arrived. as i started handing out the relief bag stubs and meal stubs that i made, more and more people gathered around me and i felt a little worried. i thought that we will not be able to accomodate everybody. as i move from one area to another, the people never seemed to lessen but for some odd reason, the stubs in my hand never seemed to lessen as well.

people started lining up to claim their relief bags and packed meals in the designated claim area. thanks to the police escort that the LGU provided, it went very smoothly. it was heartwarming everytime we would hear the people say thank you. as we handed out the relief bags and packed meals, we saw smiles on the peoples' faces. that was more than enough to ease all the tiredness we all felt. would you believe that despite the very long line, nobody left empty handed?

we finished at around 7 pm that day. we all felt tired but we didn't mind. tiredness is nothing compared to those who felt hopeless, scared, burdened, and sorrowed. this little act of kindness may seem minute compared to other outreach operations but i know deep in my heart that for those who were reached by our extended arms, this little act of kindness is something more.

kudos guys for a job well done!!! when the time comes that help is needed once more, we shall rise again to the occasion.

WASTED

2009-10-05T03:12:00.011+08:00

last saturday night i was invited to a party. i had second thoughts if i'd come. i was quite hesitant because i was unsure of the weather. i was scared shit of being stuck some place if it floods. lol. the party was in arcadia subdivision in ortigas. last minute, i decided to go.

good thing i did. hell, i was wasted big time. although some of the friends i was expecting to see were not there, i still managed to have shitloads of fun. when i got there, i was greeted by the SOBERCLUB. seeing all the drinks on the bar got me a little scared and intimidated. i thought, what the fuck, might as well enjoy the free booze. so, i did. i sure did.

*SOBERCLUB

i started the night with a pyramid shot of flaming drinks. i aint got any idea what's it called. it was three shots of flaming drinks stacked like a pyramid. i swear, i felt the flame linger in my mouth as i sipped the last shot. i must admit, after that, i felt a little unbalanced. i could feel my head starting to pound. i started feeling hot and i turned very red - red as a strangulated d*ck (as my friends describe it).

*color me red

after that first drink, i rested for a while to let the redness pass and got hold of a beer instead and talked to some friends. a friend was putting me on the hot seat and i was grilled bigtime. hahaha. of course, i also had aces on hand and i glady put him on the hot seat as well. infact, i think i grilled everybody in our table. hahaha. boys will always be boys.

*the boys with the birthday girl, Shai

after feeling a little okay, i went back to the bar. hell yah! i tried all the drinks there and even managed to join a drinking marathon and a one on one drinking challenge. if i looked like a strangulated d*ck from the first drink, i then looked like a throbbing/asphyxiated/inter-coital d*ck. hahaha. i'd like to post a photo but i think it aint nice to look at. even i feel grossed out looking at it.

the party ended at around 4 am. i went home wasted but sure had a blast. happy 25th shai!

*HAPPY 25TH, SHAI!!!

TEQUILA = CHAOS

2009-09-30T08:37:00.005+08:00

last night, as always, i was over at a friend's house yet last night was a different night from any other night.

the night started as routine. as usual, me and my friends were deciding what we'd like to eat. we decided to have cake so we drove to contis in greenhills to get some. we had our cakes to go. when we got back over at my friend's house, my bestfriend's wife was there, waiting. whilst eating our cakes, my bestfriend's wife was insisting that we drink alcohol. she was badly craving for it. we gave in. we were wanting beer but my bestfriend's wife wanted hard liquor. she wanted that we drink tequila. oh crap! this is shit waiting to happen, i thought to myself. we gave her what she wanted.

the drinking session was pretty okay for the first few hours but when the alcohol kicked in, especially for my bestfriend's wife, things kinda got out of hand. she started to breakdown and started to talk. she said, for the past few weeks she's been having difficulty dealing with my bestfriend. they would fight frequently over so many things and never seem to resolve any of it. our female friends were trying to comfort her as she cried her feelings out. i asked her where my bestfriend's at now. she said he went driving around the neighborhood with one of our friends. a few minutes later, they arrived. as they went in, my bestfriend saw his wife crying. this kinda pissed him off so he went out again. i followed him. i have very good faith in my bestfriend. heck, i've known him all my life so im pretty keen in hearing his side of the story. i asked him what the fuck is wrong. he told me to just forget it. he didn't want to involve any of us with his marital problems. i said what the fuck. i told him that it would be very unfair to him if he didn't speak out. he insisted that i just forget about it. then i told him this;

"you know what, problema kasi sayo hindi ka vocal eh. no wonder walang na reresolve sa inyong dalawa. nag papatong patong lang issues nyong mag asawa kasi kahit isa walang resolution. nag iipon lang kayo ng problema!"

then he spoke. he said i was right about him not being vocal. then he started to vent out. he started to cry as well. this was the first time that i've seen him so vulnerable. misery was etched all over his face. he told me his side of the story. we were talking for merely twenty minutes when her wife passed by us. i asked her where she was going. she said she was going home. i followed her home.

when we got there, she went straight to their bedroom. i set modesty aside and followed her there. she started putting clothes in a bag. i asked her to sit down for a minute so we could talk. she said she doesn't want to talk anymore. she's too overwhelmed. she just continued packing her things. a female friend arrived a few minutes later. she asked my bestfriend's wife where she's planning to go. it was around 3 in the morning that time. my bestfriend's wife answered that she just wants to disconnect for some time. she wouldn't tell us where she's planning to go. we were begging her to tell us but she just wouldn't tell. i was starting to get pissed so i opted to just go out and back to my friend's house.

when i got back to my friend's house, my bestfriend was already inside talking to our other friends. he was telling his side of the story. he seemed a bit okay now. a little time later, the female friend who also followed my bestfriend's wife came back. she was pissed as hell. she was furious. i asked her what happened. she said that my bestfriend's wife left already and that there was nothing she could do to make her stay. my bestfriend got alarmed. as he was about to stand up and go out, another female friend received a text message. it was from my bestfriend's wife saying that we need not to worry. she was going somewhere safe. she said she just wanted some time alone to think things over. i could just see the worry on my bestfriend's face. he said, maybe this is what they need for now. some space and time to think things over. we all agreed. we asked the female friend who received the text message from my bestfriend's wife to check up on her frequently because we doubt if my bestfriend's wife would directly speak to my bestfriend. she obliged.

after some more talk, we called it a night. as i was about to go out and head home, my bestfriend asked me and another friend if we could stay over with him at home for the night. he said he didn't feel like being alone. i felt really bad for him so i did. our friend did as well. when we got inside his place, a note was left on one of the counters. it was from his wife. it says;

"i just wish you realize how much i mean to you!"

i guess i was right, tequila was shit waiting to happen.

PURE BLISS

2009-09-29T15:16:00.005+08:00

i was having lunch awhile ago when someone rang the doorbell. i opened the door and there was this lanky looking guy that gave me a package.

catch: ano to?
lanky looking guy: pinabibigay po ni ma'am ched.
catch: sino yun?
lanky looking guy: kaibigan po yun ng nanay nyo.
catch: (while opening the package and looking at what's inside) WAAHHHHH!!!!! TEA LATTE!!!!!!!
lanky looking guy: (weird look on face) sige po.
catch: salamat.

then i closed the door. i hurriedly got my phone and dialed my mom's number.

"ring, ring, ring"
mom: ano yun?
catch: may nagdala ng tea latte mix dito sa bahay. galing daw from your friend ched.
mom: ah, oo. i told her kasi about your obsession with the tea lattes sa 7/11 sa bangkok. nag tatanong ako kung meron sya ganun.
catch: bat meron sya ganito?
mom: (laughing) di ko din alam. sa kanya din galing yung red iced tea mix na gusto mo from tokyo tokyo dati.
catch: (lauging) siya ba source ng mga hard to find drink mixes na hindi binibenta sa market.
mom: (lauging) siguro. try mo na then tell me kung yan nga yun.
catch: okay
mom: okay. bye.
catch: bye.

i then opened the pack and made my self an iced tea latte. it was pure bliss. this was the very same tea latte from the 7/11s in bangkok. hahaha. it's been a while since i've been to a 7/11 store here since ministop opened across the street directly infront of our house. i wonder if the 7/11s here sell the same tea latte. im yet to find out.

post script:

i just realized that the red iced tea mix, apparantly from ched as well, was packed for amds/dispensers too. this tea latte mix is packed the same. the red iced tea mix was also the same red iced tea served in tokyo tokyo. i guess she has sources for drink mixes that are not sold for retail in stores. lucky me....

PEOPLE WATCHING

2009-09-29T02:45:00.009+08:00

one thing i enjoy doing is people watching. i like looking at people. i just love to observe and whirl with the thoughts that would run through my mind.

airports are my mecca for people watching. during my travels, i actually dont mind checking in way ahead of time so just i could people watch. i would just sit on one spot and watch people go by. i find it very enriching. i would ponder what country they are from or where they are headed next or perhaps why they are dressed a certain way or what their purpose for travel is.

*sitting in one corner

*people watching

by people watching i see all sorts of differences in culture - how liberal some people are and how conservative some people might get. one instance, as i was sitting on the floor in an airport in thailand, a group of caucausian girls boldly strip down in their undies, put on deodorant, and put on new set of clothes. they didn't seem to mind everybody else around them (good thing they didn't. lol). i so wanted to snap a photo but that would be just darn inappropriate. they seem to be in haste, probably late for check in. on the other hand, while i was lined up in border control, i saw a group of islam women (i pressumed) all covered in layers of black cloth from head to toe. if i am not mistaken, islam women are forbidden to show any skin. then i wondered how the border control officers would handle such a case. the border control officers are supposed to check identities and see if they match the photo in passports. i was very eager to find out but it was i next in queue so i never got in finding out how. crap.

sometimes i also wonder how language barriers are bridged. there was this one time when i saw a korean woman, probably my age, who seemed pretty lost in the airport. being the helpful person that i am (ehem), i approached her and asked her what seemed to be the problem. she just looked at me and said a phrase in korean that ended with the word "english." i got it, she doesn't speak english. no wonder she was having a hard time. all the signage in the airport are written either in english or in the country's native language. then she bowed down and left.

people watching is fun. just make sure you dont cross the line from just observing to being just rude.

LAST SATURDAY

2009-09-28T02:52:00.006+08:00

last saturday, i was badly craving for alcohol. i badly wanted to get wasted just for the sake of being wasted. so i did.

last saturday, the bad ass typhoon ondoy hit the country. some of my friends were greatly affected - one lost a car and a home, one lost a grandmother and an aunt, and some are still unreachable so i aint got any idea about. a cousin got stranded somewhere in banawe ave and was forced to take refuge in a bus for the night.

last saturday, we rushed a friend to the hospital. she suddenly had a seizure. the physicians are yet to find out the cause. no, she wasn't drinking alcohol with us. while i and some friends were drowning ourselves with beer, she was having a home serviced pedicure. i swear, i felt all intoxication washed out from me when the incident happened.

last saturday, i bacame number one in the facebook game "plock". effin 2M++ score. hahaha. a friend came so close but ain't enough.

last saturday, i ate one whole footlong sandwich and salt and vinegar flavored veggie chicharon. a feat for me. hahaha.

how was your saturday?

THE DRINK AND THE DRUNK

2009-09-26T04:07:00.006+08:00

im in the mood of being wasted this saturday night (smirk!). ive realized recently that my tolerance for alchohol has increased drastically. good for me.

i was just sorting out photos in my hard drive when i realized that i have tons of photos either holding a bottle of beer or being totally wasted in many different occasions. hahaha. i never actually thought that id come to such point. i was never really into drinking (or so i make myself believe). i dont like the taste of beer and yet looking thru the photos it seems otherwise.

as i browse thru each photo one by one, i recall each particular event. i try to remember how much alcohol i actually ingested and if my memory serves me right, it seems a hefty LOT. hahaha.

i guess gone are the days of being alcoholically demure and cheers to morning after hang-overs and dry mouth.

RETRIBUTION

2009-09-25T12:01:00.004+08:00

light has gone astray and the bitter cold has set in. this is it! the day has finally come.

i was in refuge for such a long time and now time has come to finally claim what was long overdue. i've been holding on to every bit of light that i would see spark and now all seemed to be exasperated. as i look around mere shadows are taking shapes that are unknown to me. i cannot deny this anymore. this must be faced.

i feel blinded though. this is something i knew that was bound to happen but never seemed to be at arm's reach. darkness has crept in every direction. as i try to feel everything around me, with eyes fixed into nothingness, i shiver. the stillness i sense now will soon betray me.

am i ready? regardless, i have no choice but to succumb, to surrender. choice is not an option anymore. the enevitable is invariably occuring before me. "why prolong the agony?" i hear myself say.

i open my arms wide and shut my eyes and i let the vast blackness engulf me. i feel every part of me being torn into pieces yet i feel no pain. this is something i did not expect. "this is suppose to hurt!" i hear myself say, once more. then, in just a fraction of time, it was all over.

as i lay broken, catching my every breath, i hear a distant sound. i cannot make out the sound i am hearing yet it feels soothing. it is calming. in this sound i shall take refuge once again. i shall linger, i shall rest.

RUNABOUT CURSE

2009-09-25T04:14:00.001+08:00

once again, i found myself back in the runabout.

it's been a long while since i was back in it. it sucks. life has become boring again. before i had my recent trip i was doing okay. it seemed that i was on track with my life. i had important things to do. it seemed life had purpose. i had an agenda on hand and i was effin doing fine with it.

now, i feel lost again. when i got back, it seemed i lost track of everything. i dont do my studying anymore nor do i watch the usual tv series that i follow. all of a sudden, i feel like im doing the same routine i eagerly left behind a long time ago. i feel like i lost spontaneity.

i'd wake up at around 2 pm. i'd eat lunch then sleep again. i'd wake up at around 5 pm. i'd take a bath then i'd eat dinner. at 7 pm i'd come over to my friend's house. we'd then start to think of what we'd like to eat for the night (burger, cake, starbucks, chips, whatever we agree upon). i'd stay there till around 3 am then i'd go home. i'd take a shower, floss and brush my teeth, then go to bed. the next day, the same would transpire again. for cryin out loud, i don't even have time for my dog anymore. that's something unacceptable. this has been constantly happening since saturday. i'm being stagnant again. it bothers me.

looking in the mirror, im starting not to like what i see. i'm gaining a little poundage. that's sucks. looking at my dog, i feel he's going insane. he's been chewing his bed mattress beyond recognition. the stuffing is all over the place. i haven't given him his bath this week yet as well.

i need intervention. this has to end. i need some fuckin motivation.

BACK FROM BKK

2009-09-19T16:52:00.000+08:00

IM BACK...

BANGKOK BOUND

2009-09-13T17:35:00.002+08:00

bound for bangkok again. be back next week.

MISSING NYC

2009-09-12T15:19:00.007+08:00

when i was in the states, i got to live in central manhattan for a month. i was watching a tv show a while ago and it was shot in NYC. as i was watching, i felt nostalgic. i suddenly felt how much i miss the big apple.

although life in NYC is freaking expensive (a pack of gum for $3, how's that?!), you can still enjoy it without spending much (maybe except for the subway fare of $2 per ride). you may even choose just to walk. i really didn't mind just walking most of the time for everywhere i looked just seemed picturesque. also, the apartment i lived in was just across central park so that was an added bonus.

here are some Times Square photos that i took:

BACK IN THE GAME

2009-09-12T02:56:00.006+08:00

just got home from the wake i blogged about recently. i finally decided to go. it was good that i did.

at around 10:30 pm last night i received a text message from a friend saying "i'll pick you up by 10:45 pm. see you." when i read the message, i must admit i felt kind of hesitant but there was nothing i can do anymore. my friend is on the way to pick me up. i thought to myself, it is now or never. i hurriedly prepped and went dashing down. i had time to buy myself an ice cream cone from the 24 hour convenience store across the street so i did, i thought this might help ease me down.

we got to the wake some time after. as i and my friend were walking towards the hall i felt my heart pounding. when we finally entered the door, i saw her. there she was standing and talking to some of our common friends. as we walked towards them, memories of all the good old days came flashing through my mind. hugs and exchanges of greetings went on and as my turn came to finally greet her, my eyes started to burn. as we hugged she whispered in my ear, "i missed you." there it was, tears dribbled down my cheeks. there was nothing i could say. i just hugged her really tight. no words were needed at the moment. that was all it took and then suddenly, it seemed everything was back to the way they were.

the night went on over stories and laughs. as everybody was exchanging stories, at the back of my mind i was saying, "damn, i miss this!" it was just like before. everything was familiar to me again. the feelings that i thought i've lost were suddenly fresh again. i felt everybody's relief of the reconciliation between me and my friend. new plans are now in order. hahaha. once again, the children of the sky are back in the game.

HAPPY 25th

2009-09-11T20:14:00.003+08:00

hahaha. i was looking thru pictures in my hard drive when i came across to this. this was a picture taken during my 25th birthday last march. i was in the states back then. i just can't help but laugh. you gettin' the point why?!? go figure...

WATER CALL

2009-09-11T04:04:00.010+08:00

im lying at bed when suddenly i realized how much i miss being in the water. its been a while now since i last rode the wake or went free diving. im thinking of planning with friends one major waterscape. hahaha. im just pretty much hoping matching schedules for everyone. hey, if you are reading this now (whoever you are) let this also serve as a free invitation if you are a water sports enthusiast. maybe hit lago since it is the nearest cable park from qc.

shouts out: oliver, albert, jason, ines

BYGONES

2009-09-10T02:48:00.006+08:00

i just got a text message saying that an old friend's grandmother died. i was being asked if i wanted to attend the wake. i am unsure.

about a year and a half ago, this old friend and i had a falling apart. it was over differences brought about by new relations in her part. tension slowly built up. it started with snide comments, some small outbursts every now and then, some rants here, some there until finally one day consummation kicked in and rage was just unleashed. ive known this person for a long time. a long time i dare say. thinking about it now, it is kind of funny how easily i brushed off the friendship. i remember not even having second thoughts about it despite all the pleas common friends were throwing in at me.

looking back, i and this old friend used to be a tandem. we were together everywhere. from roadtrips, to parties, to just hanging out - hell, we were together. we were tight. i was always her resort as she was mine. it was actually automatic, wherever she's seen, i am seen as well. until now, people never really got over that sense. whenever i grace gatherings they tend to question my missing half. i just give them a shrug and a smirk. they resort. they get the idea i pressume.

i will admit, i was jealous. i was suddenly put aside as her new relation stepped in. dont get me wrong - this is not jealousy romantic wise. point clear. i was now a background for a new foreman has stepped in. i was now a second resort. that was a struggle. i was never used to this set up. a confrontation and a few tongue lashings put a dot on the story line.

as time took its course, working its thing as always, i got used to the idea. hence, my current disposition. while typing this i am doing some pondering asking myself if i am okay. i guess i am. i actually am. i am now considering a go show. being civil about the whole thing is not such a gruelling task. it wouldn't require bending a limb. haha. i wonder what will transpire from then on?

THOUGHT: 25 -ish

2009-09-09T19:19:00.009+08:00

a friend once wrote in her blog that life ends at 25. figuratively, it sure does. i am 25 now and i must say that quarter life crisis sure did not miss its turn on me. i sure did feel the struggles, the doubts, the questions, the issues and all sorts of the like. i had to re-evaluate some of the things i strongly believe in and re-assess some of my principles. so, what have i realized in my 25 years of existence?

1) contrary to the saying that a you don't always get what you want, i must say that it is possible to always get what you want in the condition that it's within the limits of your control. if you want something and it is within your control, you can get it as long as you work hard for it - giving it your all.

2) that regardless of whatever people say or dictate, it is always your decision that matters. at the end of the day, it is you who is going to take responsibility for your actions. it is just a matter of having the guts to face the consequences of things you do - either good or bad.

3) that the more you mingle with people, the more you become wiser. why? because by doing so you see all sorts of characters and you learn to deal with each type. you learn to act accordingly with tact and respect and you learn to just be appropriate.

4) that you dont seek happiness from the company of others but from yourself. you must learn to derive happiness from within yourself because people come and go. if the people you get happiness from go, they take away your happiness with them leaving you bitter and miserable.

5) that you don't need to be religious to be faithful spiritually. it is a matter of how strong your faith is to your spiritual belief and not how often you go to your spiritual congregation. faith is unmeasurable. it is something that is personal and not dictated. faith is something that is not to be proven. faith is a personal relationship with whoever or whatever you choose to associate it with.

6) adding insult to injury creates chaos. there is no sense in justifying a mistake with another mistake. when a mistake is made, deal with it and leave it at that. just learn from it and move on. don't rationalize and make excuses. just suck it in. in the first place, think first before making a move. learn to project the consequences and evaluate if you can stand up to it.

7) you must never assume. people tend to assume things and make the mistake of believing their own assumptions. an assumption is still just an assumption. don't dwell on it. if it will remain unknown to you, don't kill yourself trying to make it known by assuming. an assumption is and will remain an assumption.

8 ) never dwell on anything for a long time. everything is transitory. everything changes. keep that in mind.

9) be yourself. life is too short to be somebody else. be comfortable. please yourself first before you please others. love yourself first before you love others. see yourself according to your own perspective and not another's.

10) maximize your potentials. all human is infinitely perfectible. you can do anything within human limits as long as you strive hard. you can learn anything. you are capable of anything. have the confidence and just believe in yourself.

11) eliminate pride from your system. be responsible for the things you do. learn to know yor grounds and own up to it. there is no sense in denying to yourself that you made a bad deed. you can never lie to yourself. you can never fool yourself so stop telling yourself otherwise.

12) never regret anything. regretting is pointless because time moves forward. you can never turn it back. take your experiences as lessons. if something you did turned out bad, learn from it. at least now you know. don't commit it again. you're stupid if you do.

BOREDOM IS PRODUCTIVE

2009-09-09T17:07:00.004+08:00

I am to meet a friend today in a coffee shop. We’re meeting because I promised her some time ago that I would fix her PSP game console and put some games in it. My friend used to work in the coffee shop but got reassigned to some other branch for what reason I don’t know. I got in the coffee shop at around 1 pm. There was really no set time in our meeting. In fact, it was through the baristas in the coffee shop that I learned that my friend wanted to meet me today. Being a frequent patron here, I just thought that my friend would probably show up at my usual time of staying - around 1 pm onwards. I frequent the coffee shop because I find it comfortable doing my review here rather than at home. I am preparing for some exam I have to take this coming October. Yesterday, before I found out that my friend wanted to meet me today, I decided not to do some review. I thought, since I didn’t pass on the weekend doing review which I usually do (weekends = free time), I deserved some time off. That was supposed to be today. Since that wouldn’t go as planned, I just thought I’d hang around instead in the coffee shop. I am here today and she is still not here. I asked the baristas if they were able to talk to my friend and they said she’d be off from her branch at around 5 pm. What the hell, I thought. I have nothing to do. I thought that I’d just do some review but my brain just wouldn't agree that I do so. Ha-ha, maybe my brain conditioned itself that today is supposed to be free time. I thought to myself, I’d just continue with my unfinished game in my PSP. Thinking that, I also remembered that I’ve been trying to finish the game for ages now but to no avail that I just decided not to. I could just not progress. So what am I to do? A bright idea dawned on me, I’d just write a blog. Ha-ha. I have written blogs before scattered throughout the different social networking sites that I have joined in but I’ve been wanting to start a blog in blogspot and do all my blogs therein. Now would be the time to start doing that, hence, this blog entry. Hold on, I thought to myself again. There is no free WIFI connection in the coffee shop. Well, nothing would stop me from this sudden urge to start my new blog so I asked the guard to watch over my stuff in the coffee shop while I go to the nearest telecommunications business center and buy myself a prepaid broadband kit. Ha-ha. Blogspot here I come. While I was installing my brand new prepaid broadband kit, I suddenly realized that I didn’t have to buy a broadband kit just to start a blog. I could just type a blog in Office Word and just upload it later at home. Too late I thought. Now, I am P1895 poorer. Another impulsive buy! Ha-ha-ha. Being the rationalizing type that I am, I’m hell sure to find reasons to justify my purchase so no worries. Right now, what’s going on in my mind is at least I’ll never be limited to just my home internet connection, vast online information is readily accessible. There! Justified. Ha-ha.

REPOST: FOLLOW

2009-03-11T22:00:00.002+08:00

i’m tired chasing the wind…

im done catching the breeze…

the end is near…

i feel it, i see it…

just a little more time…

it will be over…

as my eyes shut…

i will sleep…

forever.

REPOST: CAUSE

2009-03-08T22:00:00.001+08:00

the island prince is losing himself.
he does not know who he is anymore.
as each day passes by, a part of him is taken and as much as he tries to hold on to what he has left, it seems as if judgment was long passed.
he cries.
he battles.
he is to young to be in such disposition.
life is not supposed to be this hard.
all his ideals are now gone.
too bad for him.
his ideals were the only glory he had.
his ideals made him go on and strive harder.
too bad for him i say again.

now the dethroned island prince is walking blindly into nothingness.
he is going to surrender.
he is going to succumb into the unending pit of darkness.
he will not resist.
he will not resist i say again.
the battle is over - so are the days of the island prince.

so now i bid farewell to you, island prince.

REPOST: EXHAUSTION

2009-02-28T21:58:00.001+08:00

like a candle, my flame is flickering and my wick is almost alas. given some more time, i’ll bid farewell to my existence.

like wind, i feel like i’m going on for ages. to where? i’m oblivious and exasperation is kicking in.

like water, i feel shapeless. to much will i try to take shape but to no avail. i just go with whatever form i am placed into. it sucks.

like shattered glass, i feel broken. broken into pieces that can never be mended. i’m tainted. i’m jaded.

i’m a little lost boy in this big, big world. dazed. confused. i’m struggling and i’m aching. i feel helpless. i feel alone. to my dreams i hold on to but the world is harsh and my senses snap and in a blink of an eye i’m awake. as i look around i see no way out. i scream as loud as i can but no sound is coming out.

i’m doomed. kill me now i say. but once again i’m reminded - the world is harsh. no escape. feeling is believing. i believe. i surrender.

REPOST: A RECOLLECTION

2008-01-15T21:58:00.001+08:00

it’s kinda funny how everytime when i feel most tired and just want to get a good night’s sleep do i always end up most roused. i’m starting to get this habit of pondering every bedtime and it kinda gives me a sense of pleasure and also a bit of frustarion. tonight, as i desperately try to knock myself to sleep, things from the past just keeps on hurling and hurling into my mind. you see, i just stayed the whole day on bed, getting off once in a while to do usual routines of life, reading a book a friend lent me. i finished at about 9 pm and thinking i could actually manage to read a new one, i frantically searched into my pile of books and got hold of another. i got to chapter 5 of this new book and felt sleepy so i decided to call it a night. i put down the book and got hold of my ipod and started listening to what i like to call my drift music (actually, it’s a digital recording of the ocean waves that run for about 2 hours). as i lay on my bed my thoughts have started to take up on me. i started to think about how life as a child for me was so simple and so innocent. i remember how shallow i was back then and yet i was satisfied. i remember how i used to climb on our roof with a mat clutched in my hand and spreading it just under the shade of a santol tree that covers part of our roof. i remember just laying there gazing up the sky and feeling happy. i also remember how i would climb our wall and actually tiptoe my way to it’s other end til i reach the part where my childhood sweetheart’s window is actually just overlooking upon me and just scream her name and she would actually peep from the window and we would talk. infact, there was this onetime that i actually fell on the otherside landing on their garden drainage. that sucked. i actually had to soap my self to death just to rid off the smell. as a kid, we used to have a treehouse. i remember inviting friends over there and we would imagine all sorts of things. happy memories were made there. i miss it. the games we played then were actually very physical, unlike now that the gameboy or psp has taken over. i remember running all over the streets in our neighborhood playing tag and hide and seek.those were actually the days. at sundown, i remember my mom, sometimes my dad, would call me and stop me from playing for supper. how me and my friends would bid each other goodbye and how we wished the day would never end. we would always look forward to the next day. i really had a nice childhood. thinking about it now actually makes me want to go back to that time. i guess all i can do now is just play it over and over in my mind like a stupid broken tape deck. i just love how it makes me smirk and giggle a little as funny memories hit my mind.

REPOST: RANDOM THOUGHTS

2008-01-09T21:56:00.002+08:00

the mere thought of thinking about the realities of life is frustrating already. imagine thinking about it over and over again. adulthood is one thing that scares me. well, that actually depends on how one person views adulthood. i came upon reading a friend’s blog and she states that life ends at 25. damn, im 23 turning 24 this year - meaning i’ll be 25 next year. if my friend’s premise holds truth then i guess im damned. i’ve come to realize that no matter how much i try to view the world according to my perspective, reality just keeps on gushing in, distorting every ideal i have in mind. i’ve always pictured myself being successful - in retrospect, in highschool i’ve always thought that life was as simple as your dreams and your ambition. you know, do good in highschool, get in a prestigious university then graduate then get a stable job. moving on to the present, i’m like nowhere near the latter. well, if it’s any consolation to mention, i did good in highschool and i did get into a prestigious university but then things didn’t end up as i thought it would. i was in my second year in college when my very ideal world started to take a turn to reality alley. i was talked into taking a different career path by my folks (a long story goes in here but to make the story short i’ve decided to omit it). it was okay i thought then. well guess what? it’s not. i was immature then. i really didn’t project the heaviness of that career turn i actually took. now, everything seems to be taking it’s toll. now, every decision i try to make about my life is being hindered by that one move. it is like a black hole sucking everything of me. im tied to it and there seems to be no escaping it ( there is but im not really sure yet if a can manage to do it, maybe not just yet). i have plans for myself. these used to be it - get a stable job, get married, rear responsible children, travel the world when given the chance. well, if there’s one thing that could probably come to actuality, that would be the foremost. all the rest would be in a 50/50 chance. you see, the moment i took that turn way back in second year college got me committed into the harsh realities of the world. i dont come from a well-off family and by the looks of our current disposition, i am pretty much the very hope of my family - my mom the most. how can i live the life i want when i know deep down that my family is struggling? this makes commiting to a steady relationship with someone really hard. of course when i get commited i would do my best to provide for my special someone and that includes having a family with this special someone and provide the best for them. how can i do that when i’m pretty much commited now? i dont think it would be fair to commit to both knowing that one is being compromised. well, one principle i have in life is to always give 100% on whatever i am focused on. if im committed to two, that violates that principle. i have seen and know people who took courage into taking both. one side certainly suffers and there is no questioning that. sometimes i think what if i decide to live the life i want. if i do, i see myself being a good husband and a good father, but if i do, i’d be a terrible son. if i give up what i want, my folks would certainly be happy but what happens once i grow old? who would i have? is a person’s responsibility to his heritage or his future family? im 23 now turning 24 this year, i only have a year to decide. whichever path i choose into going, there sure is no turning back!

REPOST: TURNING POINT

2007-05-06T21:55:00.002+08:00

i have reached the end of a travel. i am now lost in a shadow of confusion. as i stop the road bifurcates. which way? i constantly ask myself. trying to draw into conclusion. i am currently in limbo. an arm’s reach to reality and a few steps to freedom. am i to live my life as a patriot or am i to live as a free-spirit? i tell myself that this is it! a decision must be made. one way leads to my reign as the island prince, the other to my pride as a hero and savior. i am now in a state of crucial thinking - every step must be well thought of. i try to crawl time inch by inch knowing that this will, if not just temporarily, extend time. as i whirl in constant thinking, i am aware that once judgement is passed, i must stand assertive and never regret. as i choose which way to turn, i seek serenity and soltitude. now, as time passes, the world is living for me.

REPOST: CHAOS

2007-01-27T21:55:00.002+08:00

im struggling and i know it. im in complete chaos and im feeling helpless. im being drenched and im starting to drown. on a sidetrip everything is starting to become dull and errosive. it’s sickening and it’s tiring. it pains me. i am choosing to be passive and apathetic. a change in predicament that most would find sudden. i ought to be. a defensive act maybe but for such worthy cause. self preservation. a dismissal of what seems to be conventional - fuck it. all my thoughts are in constant rage. im on protest. all of me. im on guard for a spark of light amidst this darkness. on guard for a shade of gray. im reaching blindly. im hopeless yet ignited by minute bursts of warmth and indignation. as i drown, i feel stabbed by the piercing cold. i surrender but with a lingering thought. pain is transitory. when i open my eyes i’ll be squinting. rays of light will embrace me. i will rise and again - im reborn a victor.

REPOST: REALITY CHECK

2006-11-09T21:54:00.000+08:00

no matter how hard we try or make ourselves believe, we sure can’t control everything…..

lesson:

have courage to change what we can and just have the wisdom to accept what we can’t. it fucking sucks but learn to just love it.

just thought i’d share.

REPOST: LIFE BECOMES DEATH

2006-10-07T21:53:00.001+08:00

life ceases unpredictably… spend each day as if it was your last for you’ll never know when it will end. enjoy each moment and dont bother seeding grudges - it’s pointless and a waste of time. ranting and squirming only end to a more chaotic disposition.

we’ll miss you tita kris…

REPOST: FUCK MAN, IM CHEESY

2006-09-01T21:52:00.001+08:00

no matter how much i try to deny it, im still a sucker for romance flicks! bugger! it kills me just thinkin’ about it… to overcome denial is to welcome acceptance! fine, all guards down. i always thought of myself as the easy-go-lucky type… just chillin around with no worries and hook-ups but you know what, reality check, i do want some complicated love story of my own (fuck man, "love" story?!?) i’ve done some silly shit with my previous hook-ups and im telling you it was damn hell shitty. lol. never the serious type. bloody. i guess i also do want to feel the elated high feeling of "come take me away to where the clouds are" crap…you know, just being irrationally emotional.. the feeling like when your heart governs thinking… the type when your heart races and you go start your day with a smile, whistling all care free while going to where you’re going kinda stuff. cheesy i know, right? i guess im a hopeless romantc after all?!??!

p.s.

right on aisa, right on…. i’ve been hitting your head every time we talk about this.. guess you’d be hittin my head now… or maybe let’s just fly away together… guess you were freakin’ right after all… *winks*

REPOST: EHEADS NOSTALGIA

2006-08-09T21:51:00.000+08:00

i miss the eheads… after almost 7 years, i just realized i like their music…

"maselang bahaghari, sa aking isipan

wag kang mabahala, di kita malilimutan

paglipas ng ulan, mapapangiti ang araw

wag sanang mawala ang maselang bahaghari"

- eraserheads

REPOST: BE CAREFUL WHAT YOU WISH FOR

2006-08-05T21:49:00.001+08:00

hahaha… okay. so there i was, struggling to seek something thrilling to happen with my life and *alas* - something sure did. this is what happens when your life becomes so freakin dull. you tend to gobble on anything *new* that comes along. lol. bad or good? i dunno… i tend to be ambivalent on the matter (or am i just in denial for i know deep down in my subconcious im enjoying it). hahahah. am i being irrational? honestly, i dont think so! im just braving new things. and i quote "everybody does it, its just that nobody talks about it!" rest assured, i know my limitations. life is a slate. you must keep scribbling on it so you make a good story. like i said, life is a lesson. experiences enrich you and make you wiser. so go experience things. *wink*

p.s.

med students, you rock! (although i never expected the *thing* from you guys!) *winks again*

REPOST: UN-INTERESTING

2006-07-23T21:46:00.002+08:00

i just came into realization that my life is not that interesting as i thought it was. browsing through profiles, blogs, and posts of the rest of the upis01 peeps just made me think so. looking at it made me see that i haven’t actually accomplished anything - nothing major atleast. life is one hell of a roadtrip! too bad for me im stuck in a run-a-bout. fuck. im rusting. just like metal soaked in liquid. soon, ill be corroding and then *poof* - im gone.

if i’d be praying i’d say:

Lord, take me to where the light is!

if i’d be praying…

post script:

the word "fuck" is such a nice word and act…

REPOST: LIFE SUCKS

2006-07-08T21:47:00.002+08:00

freaks… another night yet again im awake…it’s 2:17 am now. i’ve been infront of my computer for like hours now - browsing over this and that, unendlessly checkin’ for new emails. it’s official - LIFE SUCKS! *amp*

have you ever been to the point in your life when suddenly it dawns unto your mind that your life is boring? alas, i have. everyday is a routine. i’ve come to realize that i’m living my life in a pattern. you know what? it sucks. i need something exciting to perk me up! i wonder when that would be?

REPOST: STEP OUT OF THE CIRCLE

2006-07-08T21:43:00.003+08:00

"a cirle is never ending so step out of it!" - catch

im idle. im stagnated. im in a cycle. if i dont do anything about it, hell, i’ll rust! never be stuck in one phase of your life. a person must continuously grow and learn. age is not a variable. we must age with wisdom. all human is infinitely perfectible. let’s all aim for perfection and greater things. i know we’ll never do but hey, at least we’re reaching and by that we become better. do not mind mistakes for they are lessons that enrich our lives - just dont make the same mistake twice coz’ if you do, you’re stupid! learn once and be better each time. soon, you’ll become invincible.